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INESCAPABLE

As the new born morning flirts with my soul, I gaze out of my bedroom window staring at nothing, but thinking about everything. My thoughts are steadily on a drug addict like high without the use of any narcotics, but the pressures of the day still makes me want to sink back into the bed and curl up like a little child who still thinks the boogeyman exist. The possibility of tomorrow however lift my spirit and awakens my ego, so I still get up like a defeated boxer who has just lost his belt, just as my curtains are also defeated by the suns Mike Tyson like aura.

For years, I have been the villain of my life when it came to stability, responsibility and direction, but now I feel content like I am under a spell by goddess, who has imprisoned my heart. With no way to free myself from this self-guided purgatory, I allow my soul to surrender to this inescapable power that caresses my fears, befriends my dreams and makes love to my heart.

Everywhere around us is the beauty of Mother Nature and God’s wonderful artistry. The oceans, mountains, clouds and rain forests of the world are a small spec in comparison to God’s ultimate creation, which is the pure heart. The pure heart that “he who is the most high” created, blesses only a select few to be able to coddle a soul like a mother to her first born or a father to his first son.

You make me feel safe in a world that possesses the security codes to my worst fears and you make me feel wonderful in a time where I should feel saddened by the irresponsibility of our generation. You bring the possibility of change to my heart more than any president could and you continue to make good on your promise as quickly as a Las Vegas casino does by taking your pride and money.

The most beautiful things in life sometime come from life’s fertilizer and you have gladly taken my shit and painted a wonderful mosaic picture in my mind when it comes to my life, your heart and our future. Waiting to see you makes hours seem like years, minutes go by like months and seconds feel like weeks.

 In the blink of an eye, you could be gone, I could botch our future like a field goal holder during the super o or our love could just fade away from our hearts just as quickly as a tsunami washes away homes. For the first time in my life I am not afraid. I finally feel peace and the winds of doubt are silenced by the beauty in your eyes and assurance in your actions. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might just get what you need and in this case, I got both. You are what I have wanted ever since I knew what love was, a real life fantasy with no popcorn, candy or ending credits.

Be my Rose Dewitt Bukater and I will promise to be your Jack Dawson and protect your heart from drowning in pain.  I will never let go even if my physical body is taken from this earth. The valuable moments that we all have in life should be shared with someone special and fortunately I found a locksmith that made a key that can never be replaced and it belongs to you my love.

Never change who you are, because I finally found someone who motivates me to be better in a world that forces you to give up. The only thing I can promise you that is more valuable than money, material and other shallow things is the fact that I intend to suffer for your happiness and our future.

I am all yours!!!

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A Love Migraine

For what it’s worth, life is full of unexpected twists and turns that keep you in engaged for the most part. Who would have thought that a little thing could lead into something that has my mind totally lost in a dark labyrinth with no flashlight? The feelings that have suddenly developed are sort of like a blindsided punch from Mike Tyson and the fact that it was so out of left field makes it harder to recover from. It’s like you intruded my heart with 10,000 Trojan soldiers and took over my mind with calculated decisions. Is this a dream or is this what love actually feels like? I have always heard that love is sickening and hurtful to the point where you actually begin to love the pain. I am starting to see clearly through the dark fog, which is my prideful mind and understand that love is beyond powerful.

The fact that I stare into another woman eyes and still think about you, is why I have decided to accept that fact that I finally love something. All my life, it has been about me and no one else, but I can finally see myself giving up a plethora of things to have you in my life. The decision has made many around me jealous and frustrated, but there is only room for one heart in my chest and I decided that it belongs to you. For years, I have traveled the world in a nomadic  state searching for something or someone, who would give me motivation to change my selfish ways and you are the only one who challenged me to change and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

You threaten to leave and never talk to me again, but the love that you had for me, made you give me chance after chance even though you should have walked away a long time ago. You told me that there were many people, who put in the time and effort to earn your affection and were not unappreciative of your worth. When the door was beginning to close, I finally decided to stand up and pull you back into my life. If I was in a hospital bed, my vitals at the time would have been lifeless and my dialysis may have shown a flat line. I don’t know what it was or when it happened, but all of sudden the sun felt like it was on my face and I finally felt the heat to open my lazy mouth and say the words that most men are afraid to say, which is LOSING. I had lost you and you helped me realized that my shit does stink and if I wanted something I would have to work at it and not be spoon fed it.

 On that note, I want to whisper just a few words to you that mean the world to me and show you that I do care. “I Love You”. You can take that any way you want it, but the fact that I was strong enough to say those words out of my mouth at this present time, shows that I have come a long way from where I just was. This LOVE MIGRAINE that I have is painful, but needed like a crutch to a man with a broken leg to see that I have something to live for. I finally removed the clothing of my body to reveal my ET like chest and show you that I have a heart embedded in my body just like everyone else, but it took me seeing you walking out of my life to realize it.

 I will never let you down again.

So In Love With A Dead Person

For all that’s beautiful in this world, you are the only person who has brought me comfort in a time of heartache and sadness. When no one even thought to call me on a bad day, you were always there to stroke my ego. The true love that I have for you, is something an honest man like me can’t even put into words. The feelings that I’ve had while you were around, were something that you may feel only your wedding day. My outlook on life with you in it, was something that only a man, who has felt no worry or suffering, can relate to. The times that I felt safe in this cold bitter world, was when you were tattooed all throughout my life. You stayed beautiful even when you started to bare wrinkles and only a fool would foolishly throw away a relationship with you because of your appearance.

 When I first met you, you had that stubborn personality that told me that you only messed with people, who were really about their business, so that made me more determined to achieve more, so that I had a chance to earn quality time with you.  The moment I did, I was in love with everything about you and I never wanted you to leave my side. You were much older than me with way more experience, but you showed me the highs and lows of life and prepared me for the times you might not be around.

Most of my friends said you were fake and plastic with few morals, but I saw way more and ignored their jealous plight. I saw in you, a deep passion and a  love for all people, that was similar to a vet loving pets or a mother nurturing her firstborn. You gave every person the same chance to get acquainted with you and even made the ugliest men feel like King Tut. That right there, showed me from the beginning, that you were rarer than the other loves that I have had in my life up until that point.

You expressed gratitude and praise for the efforts I gave in pursuing you, so in return you gave me a peek inside your fabulous lifestyle. Your lifestyle was way different from the others that I have been with and you shared with me the riches of your life. I felt spoiled and undeserving of such an honor, but I stayed humble and accepted everything you offered with gracious respect for the others who weren’t so lucky.

The moments we shared together were better than having sex after a 2 year celibacy hiatus and the times you were away, were like isolated nights in a freezing desert with no coat or jacket.  I never thought that a person could make my heart feel a certain way just by the mere presence of their shadow.  Your aura could fuel a million cars and provide light to a billion homes. I feel like I lost a part of me once you passed away from my life and I have been searching for the likes of you ever since. They say that time heals all wounds, but I can’t accept the fact that I woke up from a peaceful night of sleep and suddenly you had vanished. It was like a 9.0 earthquake on my life and I have been slowly recovering ever since.

If there was one thing that I could say about you that I never did while you were around, it would be that you were by far the most refreshing person I have ever had in my life. I have never been in love, so I have no clue what that feeling feels like and I have heard that is a way better feeling, but the way you were to me, was like a loyal pet that never left home, so to see you pass away from my life is like a stingray’s tail to the heart. I just hope it’s not permanent and I am able to revive what we once had out of the darkness. If not, I must go on knowing that life with you was great and without you, I must deal with the reality of you not around anymore. For some reason, I just can’t accept that, because I am still in love with a man named Benjamin Franklin.

What If

 

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

A Letter To You

 

A Letter To You

The smell of winter brings a thought of tomorrow as I ogle towards the future with a boyish grin. The crush I have for the future seems to will itself into my daily thoughts as I realize it is only blocks away. The countless nights of naïve choices have caused me to think of what my future may hold if I continue down this path of self- immolation. For so long, what seemed to be a phantasm in my mind is actually a physical reality that I have mourned for since the first time I realized what LOVE was.

The thought of you releases a heavenly amount of endorphins that only a devilishly vain person can receive from a mirror after a workout in the gym. No amount of time or space can negate the beautiful thoughts of being with you someday. If I appear weak or soft in my thinking, I only want it to be that because I am in love with you. I lay in my bed staring at the flat bedding on the other side of me and cross my fingers in hope of my prayers being answered. The prayers of hope and promise are all I wish to be answered. A promise that allows my soul to prove that I belong in your life. I promised that I would commit myself to anyone who made my soul skip and you have me tripping over my own feet. From the beginning, you have made my confidence feel taller than Yao Ming and your ability to motivate me is like being coached by the likes Vince Lombardi, Phil Jackson or John Wooden.

The trust I provide for your heart will out weigh anyone’s bank account, but my effort to gain financial freedom will be relentless because I want to be able to travel to the moon with you. You can’t put a price tag on love, but I don’t mind going bankrupt with my heart so that I can figure out if this is possible love and not unthoughtful lust. The more I travel through life’s dark tunnel; I learn that we all need someone who has an extra set of batteries just in case our light goes out in the dark. We all bare the seed of foolish pride that tells us that we can do anything alone (which we can), but it is much easier when you have someone in your life with an extra set of batteries just in case your flashlight goes out in life’s caliginous tunnel.

In that case, my need for adoration is similar to a man stranded in the Sahara desert thirsting for water. I am constantly seeking it so that I replenish my soul in order to avoid dehydration. The way you replenished my life was as refreshing as baptism and life seemed more colorful as I walked out of the life’s negative shadow and into the light of  positivity.  In the past, winters have always had the ability to freeze my heart in order to protect my feelings.  I had always shunned away potential dilemmas that had a chance to discourage my beliefs towards love, but you were the fireplace that made me feel warmer towards commitment in a time when the world seemed so frigid.  The world has the ability to make people who are as precious as a rose, turn into Datura’s, but you are beyond a threat to my heart. As I continue to glide through life tough terrain, I ask you to be my eternal co-pilot, so that I feel safe in a time of struggle and blissful even when the clouds are as dark as coal. I have already chosen my partner for life, but the only question I have for her, is has she chosen me?

A Moment With My Conscious

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The Afterlife

As my heart settles into its final resting place, I take the time to reflect on what a joyful life it has been for me up until now. Life has presented me with many obstacles that have allowed me to weave in and out of the path of destruction. I’ve discovered what was good for me and what wasn’t. At times, I felt like I had life figured out and the next thing I know, I was either being fooled or being proven wrong.

No matter how many times I reflect, I can’t help but shed a tear on the reality of life as I know it ending. I’ll take the good and bad of my life any day, but the chance for me to spread my wings and fly with an angel is far better than the life that many enjoy here on earth. The sacrifice that I am making is one where I will be far better in the end. The commitment that I made to the one I love is far more rewarding than a daily routine of figuring out what makes me happy. I am in a place where only people with golden hearts dwell and anyone around me will be consumed by the energy that feeds my heart.

As people begin to fill the church to pay homage to the glorious life that was only the prelude, I wonder do any of these people really care about the outcome that has come about. Do they really feel happy that I have moved on to a better place? Or do they laugh at the death of me, happy as ever to see my soul perish into eternal damnation for the few people of my kind.

For all that is glorious in life, I made a decision that brought an end to my selfish life. Many question the final choice that I decided on that led to my premature death, but I feel confident as ever as my soul and heart turns into a platinum me. The after life will be far more rewarding than the pointless life that I been living for years upon years. The gates of eternity seem far less frightening than what I expected and the stories of bitterness and boredom have been replaced with countless chapters of love that will last forever.

As the people filled the church and took their seats, they were able to witness a man, who started out as a boy, give up his single life for the ultimate luxury, a wife. The days of clubbing have been replaced with priceless nights on the couch, vacations to islands, trips to historic cites and beautiful countries. The one night stand has been replaced with emotional love making and quickies that out weighs any sexual encounter with a person who doesn’t even know my last name. The lonely holidays are filled with laughter, cuddling and smiles as I remember the times where I didn’t even have anyone that I wanted to kiss on new years eve.

As I close the casket on the life that preceded me, I begin to shed a tear staring at the one that I love and will happily marry.  I been a lost boy walking in the fog of isolation and by pure luck, I found the one that I couldn’t go a day without wanting to see. The moments that had me questioning the existence of love are replaced with happiness and newfound purpose, in which I show the ones around me, a man who lived a life of selfishness, foolishness and stupid pride could change and settle down with one person and be happy.

Closing the casket on my single life only means one thing to me and that’s the reality of  being in love with someone and it’s worth every second of the rest of my life.

Love In A Big Blue Ball

 

On this day, the early morning sunrise awakens a lost soul that for some time has felt emptier than a homeless man cup on an average day. The clear blue skies ease my mind as I gaze into the sky searching for a thought or clue to what my life purpose is. My heart sags deep inside my chest hiding from temptation and despair, only while hoping to connect with someone who feels just the same. The true lovers of the earth go through hell before they fine heaven in someone. My personal purgatory has been filled with isolation from those who feel like me. On the outside I appear stronger than titanium, but on the inside I possess a soul that feels like it has been in a 15 round boxing match with Muhammad Ali. For some reason, I was born to love and as I age finer than a bottle of Heidsieck, I begin to realize I am not like everyone else. I notice that my thought process produces magical thoughts of happiness that only appears into love stories or romantic movies from the 50’s like South Pacific and The Quiet Man.

Trying to find love in this big blue ball is the catch 22 that is tattooed on my mind and heart. The mere mentioning of the words Love or Happiness brings a smile to my face that can only be reproduced when I see my mother or grandmother. The future holds a great chapter for me that has yet to take form because everyday I learn something new about myself that wasn’t there the day before. The only thing that I can attest to that will remain with me until the day I return to the dust from which I came, is the purity of my beliefs that love conquers anything. Whether that is money, material, looks or stubborn values, love transcends human nature in a way that is unexplainable just like me being able to go to sleep and wake up everyday. The fact that I am able to write this and be as genuine as a new born baby smile, proves that something greater than me or you created this big blue ball out of some kind of love. I use to wonder if the creator of this world made this big blue ball to prove to some other Godley life form how powerful he or she was. As my mind pauses on that thought, I should point out that the world has been around for billions of years and the fact that it has lasted that long goes to show you how much GOD(whatever name) has for us as a creation.

We all are gods of our own lives and we all have the ability to create something that is as magical as a Harry potter book. I want to produce out of thin air, a courtship in which I take my time to get to know someone and learn to love the things I disagree about that person. I want to be able to look back 20 years from now and smile about the first time I met the women I am still in love with. I want to be able to tell my great grandchildren the story of how I met her and how nervous I was when I proposed. I want to look at our first photo album together and wonder where all those years went. This is the reason why I shall not want or hurry for love, but I will stay as thirsty for it as a runner is for water after completing the Boston marathon. Until then, I will wonder where my thought process will be just a day from now. The one thing that I know for sure like I said before is the heart that is logged into my chest will remain patient for the one who deserves a love that is as rare as a mythical unicorn (they don’t exist).

Footprints Of History

As I look down at my feet in the sand of the beautiful Atlantic, I see the footprints of those who have led the way for me to succeed. I see the men and women, who were brought over here in cargo ships and sold off as slaves to build a nation which doesn’t appreciate us or our history. I continue to walk and I see the footprints of young men and women, who bravely sat in restaurants they couldn’t eat in and be hauled off to jail, just because they wanted equal rights. I notice footprints of a young preacher from Atlanta, who had the courage to die for what he believed in, which was a dream that America was a nation for all people to get along and prosper and not be judged based off the color of their skin. I see the footprints of an ex-black Muslim leader (born on the same day as me), who was killed because he disagreed with the teachings of his people, who were morally corrupt and hypocritical of the things they preached. I stumble over the footprints of a president, who was assassinated, because he freed a race of people and believed that the nation was better off with all people of all colors having equal rights. I then see the footprints of another president that my people finally believed in, but was assassinated, because some people in this country didn’t believe he had their best interest in hand.

As I begin to walk down the beach, I see countless more footprints of people, who have paved the way for my country and my people to prosper and succeed in a place which is thought to be free. The farther I get down the beach, the fewer footprints I start to see in the sand. The footprints become almost as invisible as oxygen is to the human eye, and I begin to realize that my generation and the one before it, has done nothing to guide the future generations to come. The accountability in responsibility has faded away like letters drawn in the sand on the shore of an ocean. People have stopped appreciating history and have begun to ignore and forget what made this country special. They say the more you dig for something, the more the truth comes out and I believe my generation is too selfish to appreciate our nation’s history and too close minded to accept the truth. On both sides of the fence, people have shunned away the past with little respect and care of what our future generations will learn. I think it is our duty as a country, to teach the young kids of all ethnic backgrounds the truth and the proper history of a nation that has shed lots of blood and tears to get to where we’re at.

As the footprints slowly disappear, I put my feet in the sand and begin to walk a path of honor, respect and love for those who have died for my freedom and my ability to live a life, where I am free to choose. I see new footprints of a senator from Illinois, who gives hope and courage to a nation that desperately, needs change. While we wait to see where his footprints go, I casually walk along the path of all those footprints and begin to plant my feet in US history. I can only hope that the future people of this country can look at my life, as one that can be taught and appreciated for what I have done to help my people and my country. There are far too many people who are only concerned for their own well being and it has to stop. I am someone who wants an abundance of power, so that I can use my fame, morals and brains to steer a new generation in the right direction.

GOD BLESS

A Hibiscus Love

The whispers of your promise float away on a ship that is set to never return. The sunshine appears to fade as the clouds of misery begin to descend upon my heart. What was thought to be true love now appears to be true sadness. The memories of happiness are now frozen in time, with only mental pictures, that now seem like moments that never even happen. Just months ago, our love appeared to be on a journey that had its final destination ending at the gates of eternity. The unconditional nature of our courtship seemed so surreal and now the reality of us not being together is actual pain.

“I once had a recurrent dream where you were an angel and we made love on a cloud outside the gates of heaven. I had not yet proved my worth to enter, so God allowed you to leave to visit me. He understood your love for me so well that he lit the sky perfectly like a big candle and we made love for hours on top of that cloud. Once he summoned for your return, I woke up anxiously waiting to fall back asleep. Each night was the same dream with different scenarios.”

That dream had a drug like effect on my heart and kept me addicted for a long time after you were gone. As fragile as love and life can be, I never looked at our situation in such a short manner. I had no idea that you would be taken away from me so soon, so young and so beautiful. The last words from your mouth were, “I LOVE YOU” and I will never forget them, because you were the only one that has ever actually meant them. You came into my life when I needed you most and you left when I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. My soul appears to be on life support and I am not sure what I am going to do. I just hope that my next dream is one where you bring peace to my heart, so I can once again regain a calmness that you once bestowed on me.

“Our life together seemed to bloom like a Hibiscus flower and fade away just as quickly. You were full of life and love, but you came and went like that beautiful flower that blooms for a day and is gone forever.”

I can never replace what you were and what you stood for, but it is healthy for my soul to do so. I never imagined that I could want to leave this earth to be with you so soon. Life has a funny way of showing you how much it’s in control. When everything appears to be smooth sailing, the sky turns black, the waves get higher and the wind begins to produce a monster hurricane that brings destruction upon your heart. My heart has been shattered into pieces not by disappointment, but by guilt.  The guilt of never really telling you how much I love you while you were here. I took for granted that you would always be around and the moment you wasn’t, my heart began to plunge deep into the ocean of heartbreak.

The impressive physical strength that I possess only makes me feel weaker when I realize it has nothing to do with the strength of the soul. You can’t bench press your heart and a leg press has nothing to do with your spirit.”

As the evening turns to night, I sit on a balcony looking up at the moon wondering if you are on the cloud that once was occupied by my dreams. I wonder if you are up there looking down on me with a smile of promise. A promise of a better tomorrow and an even happier ending. An ending where my dream of making love on a cloud isn’t a dream after all, but a physical reality. A reality where love is not just a thought out process in which hopeless souls day dream, but where hopeless souls find their true counterpart and live a eternal life of joy, honor and commitment that last forever.

“Whether that day appears soon or years later, I will always keep my heart locked away until the day our souls reconnect. You are the one that completed my journey of love and you were taken away too soon, so I am being stubborn with life and shallow to the point of only wanting you to claim what is rightfully yours.”

Will Harris

Talking To Myself

My words seem to be invincible to the one that they are intended for. I wear my feelings on my sleeve which makes me vulnerable to those that can hurt me. I am blessed with honest emotions in which I can show that I care deeply for the one I love, but I feel at times like I am still talking in the mirror. A mirror in which the reflection shows me all alone in a world believing that a word and a feeling still exist in a world that is full of hatred, selfishness, jealousy, greed and materialism. Can she hear me or am I really that invincible to the one that I adore?

At times, you make my life feel as significant as the presidents and other times you make me feel as insignificant as a one dollar bill is to a billionaire. I feel like a lonely ghost pestering your every movement just waiting for you to notice me, but I haven’t seen you take a glimpse in my direction for a while. It is me or am I just that unremarkable to you anymore? Some women are use to the rich, powerful and flashy, when I am only able to offer my true self and that seems not to be good enough for you.

The more I dwell on it, the more I become entrenched in a idea that I may have to be someone other than myself to get what I truly want, but I can’t imagine not being real to myself.Is it worth it?Do I continue to waste all my energy on someone who doesn’t mourn for my attention like I do for theirs? Do I sit and wait for them to notice my existence or do I move on in my search and wait for someone who will be grateful for my heart, commitment, will power and loyalty? Life has always gotten better for those who believed it wouldn’t and love has found those who never even believed in it. Why is that? Death is a guaranteed promised, but love sometimes can make shallow decisions.

 The beautiful people of the world get to choose their fate with love sometimes and the rich can even buy it for a short amount of time, but it seems that the people, who truly deserve it, always get dealt a bad hand by love. It’s like life is our personal blackjack dealer and he is granted a 21 with every hand. He toys with our emotions just to see how we react, lets our confidence get on a hot streak and then all of a sudden here comes blackjack when we decide to bet big or double down on love. Why is that?

That is the million dollar question to an answer that I can’t afford to receive. I guess I will have to wait until my love account has enough sufficient funds in it to finally get that answer. Until then, I choose to stay memorized by the idea of happiness with someone who truly is meant for me. It’s either that or the idea of being with someone who makes me feel like I’m isolated on an island all alone like a castaway and talking to myself

Rather Go Blind

Just the site of your existence paralyzes my every movement. Sudden shifts of your body draws my eyes toward you and moves my soul over a foot. Without words, you make my heart feel like it has entered a nightclub of love through a VIP entrance. Now with these sudden thoughts of losing that feeling I would rather go blind, because the mere thought of not having you makes me not want to live. The moments of my life that seem so perfect have you in them, and I couldn’t stand to try and complete life without you being there to complete me.

You are like my asthma pump and without you there, I can’t breathe easy. You leaving me is like taking all the pure oxygen in my world and leaving me with a toxic filled air to breath. If that is what life has in store for me, I would rather go blind and not be able to see what love truly can be.It’s like you baptized me with a touch of love in which my world became clearer and my heart more pure. It was like my love life was receiving heart surgery and waking up to a new promise, a promise where I held my end of the bargain and showed that I understood what real love was. For all that life has blessed me with; you came into my life as an overpowering challenger to my heart. You easily defeated my worry of trust, loyalty and honesty. You made my heart feel safer than a 20 point lead with two minutes to go in the game and Jordan holding the ball.

To me, you are a goddess and to not have you in my personal heaven, I would rather go blind than to see you leaving me to love someone else.For all its worth, I understand that everything in life happens for a reason, but there is no single reason why my heart could ever love another.  You took my heart when it was homeless and gave it comfort, security and meaning. You allowed my soul to recapture its strength when it was once a defeated victim. For that, I owe you my love and I couldn’t think of loving another, because you are the reason I know what love is. The thoughts of tomorrow and the memories of yesterday allow my mind to stay loyal regardless of temptations. You are my diamond and I am engaged to your love and I would rather go blind if I couldn’t have any of the above.

The Distance Between Us

The distance between us keeps my heart trapped in a steel cage away from personal ecstasy. It’s like my feelings for you are in solitary confinement with no chance of getting out. The more I think of you, the worse it gets, because I know that the chance of being with you is highly unlikely. We live in two different worlds, with two different agendas, but yet we seek the same thing. Why is it so hard for us to be together?

Each night as I prepare for bed, I think of us having his and hers sinks, brushing our teeth together, so jolly as the day ends. The thought of us doing that simple feat paralyzes my heart, because I know if that were real, I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s like you are a dream that I never want to wake from, because once I do the nightmare begins. A nightmare in which, a reality of not being with you exist. What do I do precious love? They say love can make anything work, but I have yet to see proof of that.

As special as you are to the world, I couldn’t fathom enough egocentricity to hope that you stayed alone. It would be evil of me to not allow love to flood your life just because I am not in it. You deserve all that God has planned for you, and if I am not in the scenario, so be it. I am completely blissful with seeing you happy. You are like an angel touring the earth, and deserve to experience love as powerful as a mother has for her first child

The only thing I ask of you beautiful one, is that you keep me in your thoughts, and never forget how much love I have for you regardless of the distance. Just the thought of you completes my day and the thought of having you in my life energizes my soul. The hope of our love becoming a reality makes the thousand miles between us seem like city blocks. My feelings for you are so strong that I feel like I could walk those miles without getting a single blister.

So remember this message my love, because it is being written from the heart and no one can forge what the heart speaks. My heart is speaking directly to you and trying to connect with your soul, so let me in and don’t be afraid, because your fears are my fears. The fear of regret lays dormant in my thoughts and I wouldn’t ever forgive myself if I didn’t tell you how I really felt. So this is me telling you now.

You make your move.

 

Love,

Will Harris

 

 

 

 

 

My Empty Pillow

 

As the cold night shivers my half naked body, I can’t help but notice that something is missing in my life that needs to be there. My life is a constant dream to most, yet I did not seek it. I have everything I could have asked for, but I still feel as poor as a man on the street petitioning for change. I have traveled to the ends of the earth for personal glory, yet I feel as if I have not traveled a mile. I’ve had dinners with celebrities, politicians and other important figures alike, but I feel like I have eaten alone for so many years. I have a plethora of friends who are honest, loyal and dependable, yet I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Something truly is absent in my life, but I can’t understand why.

Night after night I lay in my bed staring at the other side of it, wondering what is to come of the empty pillow that lies next to me. Not knowing if I am ever going to have someone there is the catch-22 that keeps me up at night. For all the beauty and comfort that money brings, I have seen many people go to bed unaccompanied with their own empty pillow beside them. My empty pillow is the most precious thing that I have, because it keeps me mesmerized by the future. Who will she be? What will she look like? Where will she be from? All of those thoughts are nightly routines when I lay alone in my bed.

The older I get, the more anxious I become of the conclusion of that empty pillow. The thought of having the love of my life becoming the rightful owner of that pillow is heaven to me, because I know that is what will make my life whole. Many have tried to lay claim to that empty pillow, but none has captivated my interest long enough to be the one, so now the other side of my bed lays secluded. Isolated from an awkwardness that has been there before, because I knew past counterparts didn’t belong on a pillow that was so divine.

The more I dwell, the more impatient I get, but I refuse to settle even the slightest. It doesn’t matter how stunning or how curvy the rightful owner of my empty pillow may be, it’s how magnificent she will be laying on a pillow that has laid empty for years. My heart and my gut tells me that she is near, so I am preparing my psyche for the one that will claim my lonely heart and lonely pillow, then I finally lay in my bed completely satisfied with life

 

“For everything I been through in life, I never imagined it would be so hard to choose between the two. One has my mind, while the other has my heart. I never thought it was possible to fall in love with two women at the same time, but I have fallen victim to that scenario“.

Apple, a girl from the east coast has my MIND. She is beautiful, bright, with a large personality that intimidates most men. She is a woman of seasons and her frame of mind changes with the weather. She is one of a kind, and has no problem voicing her opinion with her blunt attitude. If you take her for granted, she will eat you alive and spit you out without a thought of sympathy. Men like me come a dime a dozen to her, so my mind-set and charisma is nothing she hasn’t seen. You have to actually work for Apple’s affection, but once you gain it, she is as devoted to you as a dog is to its owner. She is also an insomniac like me, so we are always up doing stuff. She NEVER sleeps.

Angel, a west coast girl, on the other hand has my HEART. She is a pretty Madonna that loves to be catered to and is very materialistic. If you not about your business, you don’t stand a chance in hell to keep her attention. She is so fast paced and will just move on to the next Joe Schmoe while you sit there in sorrowfulness. She lives for the good weather, the beach and the celebrity lifestyle. She is one of those women, who care about what you do for a living, and what kind of car you drive. Angel can be very cold-blooded. She is so Hollywood.

Angel’s persona is so unlike Apple’s, yet both of them have a swagger about them that draws me towards them both.See the dilemma is that I have a long history with Angel and I couldn’t let her go even if I tried. I have fully invested the last couple of years of my life to Angel and to just walk away from her would be foolish. Angel accepted me with open arms when I came into her life with a pocket full of dreams. She supported my goals in acting right from the get go. She usually went for men who had their stuff together, but saw huge potential in me, so she took a gamble. For that reason alone, she has my heart, because she accepted me unconditionally when she could have blew me off from the start.

Apple on the other hand, has been one of those women that I have always said was my type. We clicked the first time we laid eyes on each other and ever since then, she has captivated my mind in ways only a person in love can understand. She suits me well in every way. She is very ethnic and her parents are immigrants, so she understands her ancestor’s history and pride very well, plus she has faced tremendous personal tragedy. She supports my passions, but loves the fact that I have a gift for writing. I used to question myself everyday when it came to developing a relationship with her, but like I said before, she has a reputation that is cold, grimy and blunt which I know is over-exaggerated.

Angel and Apple both know what it’s like to go from nothing to something. They know plenty of people that can give me positive recommendations about business. The rich and beautiful just flock to them and that is something that is both intimidating and encouraging. There is never a dull moment in their lives and they are constantly stepping up their game to impress all of those around them, including me.If there were ever a harder choice to make in life, I would like to know what it is. I can’t go wrong with either choice, but my mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. I must go and visit them both, to weigh the pros and cons before I choose who I spend the rest of my life with. It saddens me that I have to choose between the two so quickly, but if I don’t soon, I will lose them both. I hope that both of them, Apple and Angel, understand that I am doing this for the benefit of them and me. I hope that I can mend both my mind and heart into one decision and choose wisely.The worst thing in life is, WHAT IF and I don’t want to look back on life questioning my decision after I decide. Hopefully I will make the right choice. 

      

GOD HELP ME
 
 
 

 

IT

 

In the blink of an eye, IT can make you feel as powerful as a president or as low as a man living on the streets. IT never waits for you, constantly flowing with movement and determination trying to find the next best thing. Once you get a hold of IT, you should never let IT go and should do anything to keep IT. As time passes you by, you begin to underestimate the value that IT has in your life, and you become lethargic in your approach to keep IT. Once you lose IT, you become depressed and sadden by the sudden reality of IT being gone. What are left are bitter memories of good times and joyful moments that turn you into an insomniac. IT never seems to worry about you as much as you should for IT, because IT has options and your value to IT is nothing compared to the value IT holds for you.When IT is fertilized into your life, things grow at a rapid rate and life seems to be much clearer and less stressful on a regular basis. IT can take the ugliest man off the streets and turn him into Brad Pitt or Will Smith in the matter of seconds. IT give’s hope to the hopeless and makes certain people feel as important as Barack Obama. IT is something that is both priceless and expensive. Priceless in a way, that takes something ordinary and turns IT into something that is rare as a unicorn. Expensive in a way, because IT will turn a person who once possessed a caring heart, into a person as heartless as Kanye West smash hit. That IT was designed to protect itself from people who are careless and shallow, but like all things, IT falls into the wrong hands at times.If you are one of the few lucky people on this earth to experience IT, then you are in a rare category of people. Though unselective, IT tends to follow people who have good hearts and great minds, but like I said, IT can land into the wrong hands and become a problematic situation for many because of one foolish mind. IT shows neither feelings nor favoritism. IT just cruises through life stopping at every red light enjoying the moment until it reaches its next destination.

My advice to those who will read this is, enjoy every second that you will have with IT, because IT is not guaranteed to all, and will appear and disappear as quickly as good weather in Minnesota. 

God Bless

My Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,To me you are the light of my world and I’m always on cloud nine when I see your bright face. Even the days you surprise me with your late arrivals, I am always captivated by your beauty. I know for a fact that god specifically created you for my protection. I know that you are a gift to the world and everyone respects your beauty and power. You are magical and provide the much needed warmth that my body and heart needs when I am feeling down. No matter where I am at in the world, you are always there for me most of the time and I’m honored for that specific reason.

So with that description of my love for you, I was flabbergasted the day I woke up and realized you were not there anymore. It was like a burglar coming into my life and stealing my joy. Every day I looked forward to you being there and I always could rely on you, but out of all days, you decided to leave me when I needed you most.I really didn’t value you much until I relocated to be closer to you in Phoenix. You were beyond beautiful when I first met you, but then I took you for granted when I picked up and left to Minneapolis in 2005 to train for basketball. I knew I’d made a horrible decision the first second I landed at MSP airport. I would always think about how other people may be having a great time with you in Phoenix that I couldn’t sleep at night because I missed you so much.

I was so exultant when I moved California to be with you. There were no grudges when it came to the past and you didn’t care about my time in Illinois, Florida, Indiana or Minnesota. You were flawless in your efforts to keep me happy, so that I wouldn’t leave you again and you convinced me. I promised you that I would follow you to the ends of the earth and I did that. I went with you to Australia, I was there for you went you relocated to Miami and then back to Los Angeles. Yes my dear, you have a special place in my heart and I don’t want to lose you. If I was anywhere else, I would be so cold and lonely. You are my never ending sunshine.

My life this week has been miserable with work being more than hectic and some R&R with you was just what I needed. I was going to gather my things and meet you at the beach, so I could stare at your beautiful face under God’s amazing sky, then you decided to go AWOL on me. Where have you gone my love?

Weeks have passed since I last seen and spent time with you and I am worried you are not coming back. If there is anything I did to offend you or make you mad, I apologize. I would get on my knees in front of the whole world to have you back in my life and I am sure they would as well. I remember people telling me once I had you, I would be stupid to lose you or not appreciate you, so I am begging you give me one more chance my love. I just want to bask in the glory of your unconditional beauty. My dear beautiful, SUN. 

Sincerely, 

Will Harris

The First Girl I Ever Loved

When we all get older there will be many memories and moments that captured our hearts from the past. Regardless of the present state, those moments will bring us joy, sadness and pain just with the thought of that memory. The reason being is that we wouldn’t be who we are if it wasn’t for it. The memory that I have that is so unforgettable, is of a girl who showed me what love was for the first time. Her name was Leslie.

It was 1987 and I was six years old attending Lewis elementary school in Carbondale, Illinois. It was the first day of class in a brand new school and I was expectedly nervous. I didn’t know anyone and I was very shy at the time, so I just grab the first seat I could at an empty desk. As the kids started to fill up the class room little by little, I looked down at my folder and pulled out a piece of paper and began to draw. I would always draw on paper when I got nervous as a kid and I was very nervous at interacting with people I didn’t know, so I just looked down at the paper and avoided eye contact.

I heard the teacher calling out the names of students and ask them to say they were present. As she called out the names, I continued to draw and scribble on the paper to avoid looking up. I heard her say William Harris and I raised my hand to notify I was present and she called my name again, “Is William Harris here?” I then said, “Here” with a quiet voice as if I was whispering something to a friend. She continued until she finished the names and begins to speak in front of the class about the first day of school. The teacher then asked everyone to come up in front of class and introduce themselves. One by one, kids went up excitingly and introduce themselves to the class, as I mourned at the idea of speaking in front of people. As the kids continued to speak, a woman appeared in the doorway and interrupted our class with an announcement. She told the teacher that she would have one more student in her class and introduced her to the class. “Class this is Leslie Gamble”, she said and the students in the class said, “Hi Leslie”.

From the moment I saw her I was in awe of her beauty. She was a pretty girl with very long hair, green eyes and she was wearing a sky blue flower dress the first time I saw her. The teacher asked Leslie to find a desk and have a seat, so she walked to the back of the room and sat down in an empty desk right next to me. She seemed like a very nervous girl herself from what I first noticed. She started drawing on a piece of paper and looking down the same way I did and I was shocked, because I thought I was the only person who did that. Right from the beginning, me and Leslie had a connection before we ever spoke.

As weeks past, the kids in the class begin to start their own clicks outside for recess and I was the odd man out , so I played by myself most of the time until I noticed one day Leslie sitting alone. She looked sad and frustrated and that’s when I spoke to her for the first time. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that no one in the class liked her or wanted to play with her. I told her I felt the same way and she looked at me and said, “Why wouldn’t anyone want to play with you? You are the same color as everyone else, I am different.” In fact, she was different. Leslie was a white kid in a predominantly black school and she also was one of the first white kids I ever interacted with, as I was one of the first black kids she ever interacted with. Leslie and her family had moved to Carbondale from Iowa, because of a job opportunity her mother received with the university. She was definitely in a different element and it was bothering her because she felt the kids didn’t like her because she was white. I assured her that other kids would warm up to her if she talked more. She agreed and a friendship was made.

Leslie and I began to hang around each other every day at recess while the other kids did their own thing. We talked about life, cartoons, music and movies, something very mature for first graders to be doing at the time. I talked to her about the absent father in my life and she talked about her older brother who always picked on her. I laugh at it now, because I use to tell her I would beat her brother up if he picked on her, but I didn’t know he was in the 7th grade until I saw him one day after school when her mom came to pick her up. She was a real life Barbie doll and always looked the part when it came to clothes. Her mom looked like she was a former model and made sure Leslie looked the best.

One day our teacher asked us to partner up for a class project and I and Leslie chose to stay a unified couple. The project was to draw all the planets of the solar system and color them. I thought it was a cool project being that I was into space and all, but there was just one problem, I didn’t have any crayons. I had one box of crayons that I got at the beginning of the year, but I had destroyed those and couldn‘t afford more, so I just hoped for this situation to never happen and it did. I told Leslie that I didn’t have any crayons and she looked at me and said I could use hers. She had the double decker box of crayons that I thought only rich people could afford. She never cared about sharing, she was so nice about everything and I could tell she was raised right. There were many times I didn’t have paper or a pencil and I would ask a kid and they would tell me no, but Leslie was always there for me.

As more group projects were assigned, Leslie and I always stuck together even when paired with other kids. She would continue to let me use her things and I would show her my appreciation at recess by performing songs from the movie the Labyrinth, a 1980’s movie made by Jim Henson, the puppet master. I would sing these songs and perform them every day to her and another girl name Alisha that she befriended after a while. They would sit and giggle as I sung and sung making a fool of myself, but I never cared because I knew she was a good friend. Times were never dull with us, we’d play tether ball together and would make each other laugh hysterically by spinning ourselves on the swings until we were dizzy and try to walk it off. We did that every single day and it never got bored. What we had was special and I haven’t felt like that since about another girl.

It was around March when I received the worst news of my life up until that point. Leslie came to school one day and told me she was moving because her mother got another job. I was devastated because she was the only reason why I got up in the morning to go to school. She was my world at the time and she knew it, but it wasn’t anything she could do about it, so I had to swallow it and deal with it. She told me that she expressed her sadness to her mother and her mom assured that we would stay in contact. It was like someone taking all my happiness and flushing down the drain, I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen once she left.

The last day of class for Leslie was on a Friday and we were told that a class party was going to happen last period for Leslie. Her mother brought cake, cookies, soda and chips for the class and we ate like it was our own birthdays. We all had a good time and expressed how much we were going to miss her and then the teacher let us go play outside for the last 15 minutes of class.As I was about to go run outside to play, Leslie leaned into me and said don’t leave the class I want to give you a present. I was wondering why she would give me a present after all she has done for me; I should be giving her one.

 As the kids darted out the class and preceded to the playground, I stayed back like she asked me and she looked around until no one was in the class and pulled out a present. She told me to open it and said that she bought it with her own money. It was a big box, so I had no clue what it could be, but I began to open the present anyway. When I tore apart the paper, there stood a brand new box of double decker crayons (You know the ones only rich kids get) just for me. She told me that she saved her money up just to buy me the same crayons she has. As I stood there in shock, she leaned in and kisses me. It was the first kiss I had ever gotten and it was from a girl who just bought me the best gift ever. I was in love.

 As class ended and the bell rung, I walked Leslie to her car with her mom caring the leftover cake and snacks and felt very sad. Her mom gave me a hug and Leslie gave me one to and she got into the car and said that she would miss me. She drove off waving and I stood there like I had just lost my home in a hurricane. I had just received my first lesson in heartbreak and disappointment and knew it wouldn’t be the last.I never saw or heard from Leslie again. The memories that I have of the first grade are all of her and that box of crayons. She was truly something special and has had a place in my heart ever since. I just hope one day that I can feel that same way about a woman that I did about a girl name Leslie, who bought me a box of crayons and loved me for me.TRUE STORY…

Guardian Angel

 

As I lay there immovable in a comatose state of mind, you never left my side. It was months of the same routine and you didn’t distrust yourself one second. An unfortunate accident caused my life and your heart to be tested and you showed what great love is.You are the definition for unconditional.What laid ahead for me was an uncertain outcome and you still remained by my side. The doctors said it was a foregone conclusion for me, but you remained hopeful while others doubted.

Months went by and you stayed in that hospital room clutching onto me with your love and your faith. You proved to me that faith in something was far stronger than faith in nothing. I heard you speaking to God one night asking him to give me another chance, and I knew by your tone that you believe I deserved one even when I didn’t think so myself. You are so special to me and I want you to know that. The quiet whispers that you softly spoke with were heard by my soul and swallowed by my heart. Your love kept me alive even when I shouldn’t have been and I love you ever more for that.

There is something to be said about the human spirit when it knows it is loved. It can gain the strength of a thousand men in the most extreme circumstances when it knows that love is reciprocated and you proved that.I couldn’t open my eyes or move a muscle, but my heart never stopped beating, because it is forever linked with yours. As long as you are by my side, I am invincible to sadness and pain, you comfort me in a way that a mother does her first born right after giving birth, and it is magical.I am honored that you chose to be my life partner, when you could have chosen so many others to be with. I know that everything in life happens by choice and good reason, but for some unfortunate one, you choice to be by my side and I am humbled in your presence.You proved to me that love conquers all things and all doubters.

I sat in that intensive care unit unable to see, speak or move for eight months and finally awoke after so many wrote me off and it was because of your strength, your faith and your LOVE.

 

 

I want to say thank you my GUARDIAN ANGEL

Alexander The Moor

Alexander the Moor

By Will Harris

Gifted with a rare ability to play the flute, Alexander, a Moor from Morocco became the finest musician the world had ever known up until his early death at the age of eighteen. It has been told that he was related to the beautiful Cleopatra VII. Rumor was that she had a long-lost sister that was cast out of Egypt for sleeping with her lover and was never heard from again. Alexander, an only child, was raised in morocco by his mother until he and his mother were sold off as slaves to people in the Roman Empire. Shortly after the move to Rome, his mother, who was as beautiful as her rumored sister committed suicide by stabbing herself when three roman soldiers attempted to rape her while she was retrieving water from a pond. At fourteen Alexander suddenly became an orphan.

The only memory of his mother, was a red flute that his mother made and gave to him when he was little boy. After her death, he promised to become the best flutist in the world and vowed to keep his mother’s memory alive through his music. Over the next couple years, he became exceptionally talented with his skills and earned superior respect amongst the people in the slave quarters of Rome being called the finest flutist they ever heard.

He was dubbed Alexander the moor after several roman guards heard him playing the flute while patrolling the slave quarters. The guards then went to tell of his magnificent talent to a general, who was a flutist himself. He was then summoned into the royal quarters as a guest. He was the first slave ever to be presented with such an honor. He spent the next few months teaching and entertaining royalty with his gifted ability.

At the age of seventeen while serving as a slave/teacher in the Roman Empire, Alexander was allowed to live inside royal quarters and receive special treatment for his abilities by Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus himself. The only request from the emperor was to never get involved romantically with anyone of royal decent. He agreed and began to live a life of royalty and was treated as equal by members of the upper class in Rome. He was allowed to teach in the slave quarters and return whenever he wanted. He served as honorary host to all weddings around the empire. He was truly living a life that was supposed to be his from the beginning, with him being related to Cleopatra. He was tall, well-built, charming and beautiful in every way and women in the royal quarters down to the slave quarters adored him for his talents and beauty.

On his eighteenth birthday, Caesar threw Alexander a birthday party and announced that he was to be treated as if he was his own son. When he was asked to speak on the honor that Augustus bestowed on him, he got teary eyed and said that all he cared for was to keep his mother’s memory alive with his music. He said that anyone who learns from him will keep his mother’s legacy alive long after he is gone. The crowd was in awe of such humble grace, a man who just a year earlier was a slave living in the worst quarters of Rome.

One day while teaching a group of kids, Alexander was requested to Augustus living quarters for a special message. Augustus told him that a royal family would be coming to the empire to stay for a while and they heard of his talents and wanted him to teach the princess. Augustus told him it was an honor to have such a request being so young and he suggested that he drop everything and do it. Alexander agreed and prepared himself for the chance to meet another royal family.

When the royal family arrived, he was summoned to their living quarters and he met Italiya, a beautiful seventeen year old princess, who was to be married soon to a thirty-four year old prince named Bractus. From the moment their eyes connected, Alexander and Italiya were in love. Whenever he looked at her, he saw a striking resemblance of his beautiful mother that he loved so dearly. Italiya, who was very superstitious, told him that he reminded her of a boy she sees in her dreams, a slave who is loved by all. Not knowing that he was really a slave, Alexander didn’t reveal his true identity out of fear of backlash from Augustus. He had been warned not to frolic with royalty and he had been obedient up until now, but his heart just knew what it wanted and he couldn’t control himself.

Over the course of the next few weeks, they shared romantic music lessons, walks around the empire and picnics near beautiful lakes. Alexander finally even showed her the slave quarters where he taught and lived just a year ago. They were uncontrollably in love and couldn’t resist each other. They were both young and foolish and love blinded them from the reality of what could happen if they ever were caught. She eventually snuck into his sleeping quarters late at night and they made love dozens of times.

One night while attempting to sneak away from her soon to be husband Bractus, Italiya woke up her fiancé when she was leaving to go see Alexander. He asked where she was going and she said for a walk. He didn’t think anything of it until hours passed without her returning and he worried of her whereabouts. Bractus then summoned his guards to go look for her and he awoke Augustus fearing she had been kidnapped. Out of respect for his guest, Augustus orders everyone in the royal quarters to wake. When no sight of Italiya and Alexander was revealed, the prince feared the worst and became enraged.

Not knowing that there was manhunt for their whereabouts, Alexander and Italiya had scurried off and made love near a river under a pale moonlight on the outskirts of Rome and fallen asleep naked by accident. They were soon discovered by Augustus guards and forced to returned to the royal quarters and confess. Once they confessed, Augustus had no choice but to punish Alexander by whatever request the prince demanded. Bractus out of jealous rage ordered his hands be cut off so he would never play his precious flute again or touch another man’s wife. Augustus had no choice but to oblige and sadly cut off the greatest musician to ever live hands. So enraged of the deceitful ways of his fiancé, the prince cut out the eyes of Italiya, so that she would never look at another man. Knowing that it was his fault that Italiya would never see again and knowing that he would never play music again, he felt there was no reason to live and ended his life the same way his precious mother did. He somehow stabbed himself in the stomach and bled to death.

The news spread around the empire quickly that Alexander died and it was one of the saddest days in Rome’s history. Alexander the moor, loved by all and respected by the great emperor Augustus himself was dead at the age of eighteen, because he loved someone who loved him back. Augustus himself cried for weeks after the ordeal and ordered the city of Rome to celebrate his life in a week-long festival. It was a sad and fitting end to a boy who died so beautiful, so young, so talented and so soon.

For all that is beautiful in the world, I remain miserable and alone here on this beach, staring at an ocean with no people. As the waves crash against the beautiful innocent sand, I can only hope to sit here in serenity with only sound of Mother Nature’s best creation keeping me company. Away from a world that spews out hatred by the second. Away from a world where love is only a word and where people separate themselves daily only to gain power. I remain oblivious to hates repulsive hand that slaps us across the face daily.

As I gaze into the sky, I witness birds flying across Mother Nature’s beautiful sky effortlessly without interruption or distraction wondering where they are going. To me, I lust to be one of those birds as I stare at them with an envious smirk. They are above the world’s petty ways and they wish not to be amongst it. That is why I am here alone on this beach, all by myself counting the days until my soul makes me feel like those birds and take me home. A home where love, is not a rare event. Where it is a vital part of existence and without it you’re not alive. I did not ask to be here, yet I feel so much pressure to belong and I wonder why.

Is it by fate that I was chosen to live a life empty on the inside, yet continuing to flash a fake smile to a world that hates me or is it luck that my soul stumbled upon human creation and decided to test human nature? Only a superior power has the answers to my eternal questions and it sucks that I have to wait until my number is called. It is without question that I end it prematurely, so I have to take what is dealt to me.

So all I have is myself, this beach and those birds to keep me company as I wait for my soul to get bored and finally go home. I watch days become nights, winter’s become spring and summer’s become fall. It’s an everyday cycle of loveless days for me and I feel stuck in a groundhog’s playground full of tears. Until then I must enjoy life alone here on this beach staring at an ocean with no people, no friends, no love and no happiness… Just waiting to go home.

“I’m not saying I am going to rule the world, but if I keep talking about how dirty it is, somebody going to clean it up” Tupac Shakur

In a society where the public image of us is negative and violent, it is up to us to change that. In a country where they have brainwashed our youth into thinking that being an athlete or entertainer is the only cool careers out, it is up to us to change that. The statistics don’t lie and we are to blame for our own demise, but that doesn‘t mean we have to follow suit. We live in a world of the jealous, greedy, deceitful and hateful, but that shouldn’t compromise our mission to create a generation of prideful black men like the ones who got tired of injustices in America and created the civil rights movement. Young men who honor their duty to serve the community with pride, love and patience. When children see us black brothers, they see their future and what they are seeing now is not what our ancestors wanted. They see a generation of disrespectful men who don’t value family, love, relationships or themselves. We treat women as if they were unlovable pets, we value money more than education and we disrespect ourselves by abusing our bodies with alcohol, drugs and sex. Is that setting an example? No it’s not.

The statistics show that black men are nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated, with average jail sentences about 10 months longer than white men. We all know there is a double standard in the judicial system, we also know that we could argue that fatherlessness, a pervasive negative entertainment culture, racism, and multi-generational poverty in family structures in the black communities has a serious impact, but that doesn’t make a excuse for you to go rob your neighbor or beat up your girlfriend to get sent there. The white man or any other man is not to blame for you not going to college or selling drugs on the corner, you are to blame only yourself.

They say that black males between the ages of 15-34 are nearly eight times as likely to suffer from AIDS as their white counterparts. Once again, these numbers are not exaggerated for the hatred of the black man, sex it is clearly represented in our society and we took the bait and ran with it. Look at our movies, listen to our songs and you will understand that we have been creating an atomic bomb in our own communities that is corrupting our young at an astounding rate. Back in the day, the black man was looked at as a protector, provider and loyal husband. Now the stereotypes paint us as being either an exception with athletic gifts, great vocals skill, stupid with humor or having big penises (which isn’t the case for everyone, no matter your ethnicity).

We live in a time where black males ages 15-19 die from homicide at 46 times the rate of white males. Who do we blame for taking a gun and going to kill our neighbor? Oh yeah that is right, blame white people. NO, blame yourself for the ignorance that caused you to kill another person over a block war or a girlfriend that was lying to you both. We have to start using our minds before we wipe ourselves out of positive discussions about great leaders in the world today.

It kills me when I see so many young men talk about women, cars, money, jewelry and other crap in such a shallow manner. I am not being a hypocrite, I have been just as ignorant in my ways at times, but I have realized much sooner than I expected, that I was being what society wanted me to be and I had to change my thinking. My thought process use to blame a woman for me not trusting women in general, rather than looking into the mirror and seeing what I was valuing in a person was shallow ways instilled in me. I never wanted a Mercedes or BMW for myself, I wanted it for attention. Attention that would get me laid or at least a chance to get laid. Clothes and jewelry were bought for the simple pleasure of showing off and staying fresh for the ladies. If I would have just been smart enough to want them things for myself, I would have gotten them a lot quicker and the women would have appreciated me anyways. I thought that way for a long time and now I realize the ignorance I once had and I still see it in so many young black men and young men in general. Ignorance is not racist; it travels along touching everyone no matter your skin color.

Black male achievement begins to decline as early as the fourth grade and by high school; black males are more likely to drop out. In 2001, only 42.8 percent graduated from high school, compared to 70.8 percent for their white counterparts. Now we can say that parents are to blame because of this but I disagree. The slogan: “It takes a village to raise a child” needs to be reinforced. We sit around and see young kids talk about school in such a negative manner in today’s world and I think it is sad that we are not speaking to our little black brothers about the importance of college let alone high school. We need to look at these kids and curse at them in a manner of concern and love for not going to school or even finishing. If we can push, punch or fight a brother for looking at us wrong in the streets, why can’t we grab a brother aside and talk to him about educating himself for his own future and the benefit of the generation after him? I can remember times when I couldn’t even go to my mother or a family member about homework that I needed help on, because they were not educated to do so. That trend has to stop.So that is my point, the more we feed into this negative society that pegs us only athletes, entertainers, felons, gang members, lazy people, sex craved individuals and ignorant men, the more our generations will decay. It is up to me and other young black men to wake up and create a future for our little black brothers that tell them being a basketball or football player is fine, but also receiving an academic scholarship is just as cool. We need doctors, teachers, police officers, honest preachers, loyal husband and fathers and respectful men we can be proud of in our communities to show our little black brothers that you can be anything you want to be and not just another statistic.God Bless

THE EAGLE IN ME

I soar through life like God’s ranger of the sky. My hasty nature keeps others in mystery of my lifestyle. I am here one minute and gone the next, not being afraid of possible failure or disappointment. I allow myself the independence to discover life’s mystery’s without caring about the outcome. I spread my wings and fly from place to place taking on new challenges day after day. As confusing as my geographical status may be, I allow my instincts to guide me through life without apprehension or fear. I am free of the world’s wretchedness and despair, I play the hand I am dealt and I defeat all comers. My sacred wings seem to be made of titanium and they allow me the capability to fly without fatigue. The wind in my face and the sun on my back is ecstasy to me. From tree top to tree top, I observe nature’s beauty while cautiously noticing my surroundings. I choose to go about my adventures alone to avoid disappointment and I do this with pre-calculated movements. I only wish everyone could be as free as me……

THE EAGLE IN ME

I never thought I would ever fully understand how hard it is to raise a child alone. I just thought it was something that life makes you adjust to, no matter what. I have seen women and men, raise children on their own all my life, most of the time it being a woman. I never really cared to think about how much sacrifice and heartache they go thru time after time. I thought I would have to have a child of my own, to really understand the dedication a single parent has to make, to make life normal for a child being the only parent involved…..

            I am not here to bash dead beat parents, who were too cowardly to man up to their responsibilities. That’s not for me to judge. There are many men and women who take full responsibility to raising their child even when they are separated. I am here to honor the people who do it alone and have no complaints about being a single parent…..

            I was raised by my mother and grandmother and never had a father figure in my life. My biological father has been absent 99 percent of it and the memories I do have of him are visiting him in prison when I was a child. I don’t make excuses for my life being difficult because I never had my father present. I think my life may have been different a little bit, if I would have had a father in my life to show me things. For example, how to shave or talk to girls, dribble my first basketball or throw my first right hand punch and attend my graduations. Maybe my life wouldn’t have some holes in it, but I don’t think it would have altered the way I am as a person. I am happy with my life, because my single parent chose to make my life great no matter what…..

            The unspeakable strength that a single parent has, is something that god only knows. Think about the woman who is left to take care of two twins, because her children’s father decided he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, so he leaves her to be with another woman. What about the widow of a firefighter who is left to take care of her four children after her husband tragically, dies, trying to save a burning building. Where does a single parent get the courage and strength to go on and continue life? How do they keep a smile on their face, when they know it is their sole responsibility to raise the kids? My answer, I don’t know. Whatever it may be, it has to be a special gift from god.

   I am 28 years of age and I have no children. I have lived all over the world and I have met countless women time after time raising children on their own. The interesting thing I have noticed about all of these women was the fact that I never heard excuses. No matter where I was whether it was Chicago, Las Vegas, San Diego, Phoenix, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Orlando, Minneapolis, Australia, Greece, Malaysia and London, women never made excuses. They took the loss of the chin and kept it moving. It was sad to hear that most of these women were raising children on their own, because a man decided he didn’t want a kid, after he had a significant part in making it. But that didn’t matter to the women I met, they were like, fuck him. My child will be ok and have the best life he could have. To me, I was like, damn, I wish I had that strength. But that’s the special gift that single parent possesses.

    So to all the women and men out there who are doing it alone, I want you to understand that I appreciate you. I respect you more than anyone in the world. You are head above shoulders over anyone else. The strength you have to raise a child go on is a joy to see. You give me courage to go out into the world and achieve anything I want to do. For it is you, that makes the world better. I want you all to know that no matter what, there are people like me out there that understand respects and appreciate you. You are the true definition of a hero….God Bless

 

 

The past is something we should use to pilot our future, not something that should have power over us. When we allow our past to dictate what we do now, we are no longer in control of ourselves.

You will never drive life’s highway without sometimes hitting bumps like regrets and heartache. When you do, it’s easy to get stuck there, gazing back into your rearview mirror at the past like a lost soul. That is the same with relationships and many people tend to let their past dictate their future inevitable missing out on someone great, who didn’t get  a fair chance to prove they weren’t the same guy who treated you like crap.

On the outside, people can appear to be the same sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they are. I have met so many women in my life that have accused me of being like someone they dated, without even letting me have a chance to prove that I was unique in my own way. This did not make me mad or frustrated, it actually turned me off, because here I was, a guy who was genuinely interested in a woman who I wanted to spend time with and she is reminding that I was like a past relationship and it was making it hard for her to really trust me. So I refused to be labeled and I came up with ways for troubled hearts to be mended so they could move on. I wanted to make people understand that pushing a person away is not the answer and it only alienates you from good people who want to see you happy.

For one, holding onto sullenness after someone has hurt you will only continue to hurt you more by poisoning your heart and soul. People need to understand that there is only one antidote to that poison and that is moving on. You have to decide not to allow people who have wronged you to keep controlling your life. You have to remember what people have done to you and never forget, but you must embrace a positive future and think the next person or situation that comes in my life will be positive and not negative. You can’t let the grim past clutch onto your future and stay there like plaque on teeth. You have to cleanse your mind of the unhealthy past and think that what you learned or went through will only make the next relationship or situation better.

Secondly, understanding that it’s healthy to remember your past as long as you’re learning from it and remembering how it can help your future situation for the better. But you must beware of becoming so engrossed with your past that it begins to dictate your present and future. Don’t let your past define you; that’s not healthy for you or the person that you are trying to give your heart to. You have to understand that you’re not a victim of your circumstances and that no one but yourself can tie you to the past; you decide whether or not to move on, not anyone else. Realize that your experiences in life aren’t just for your own benefit – they’re also designed to help other people. You can apply what you’ve learned about moving on to encourage others to do the same. There is nothing better than seeing someone help a person through a tough situation they also went through.

Last but not least, how many times have you heard a person say they don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to get their hurt broken again? While this seems like a reasonable outlook after dealing with such a “controlling, lying, or cheating” partner, it is really just a crutch.

When a person compares everyone in their future with the people of their past who have hurt them, they are voluntarily letting them the control their future as well. They are still attached to them in a way that is even worse than when they were together, because now, it isn’t even a real person who controls them, but a shadow of bad memories. It is up to you as an individual to not let yourself be controlled by your past’s ghost. You must remind yourself that you are not with them for a reason and they didn’t deserve you in the first place. Once you come to embrace that you as a partner deserves to be treated like a king or queen, you will then fully understand that the past is the past and it can’t control the beautiful future that awaits you.

EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS

Once upon a time you were my perfectly pick flower, a rose that stood out of a dozen. At first,  you seemed to be like the rest of the bunch when it came to appearance, substance and quality. All were exquisite to me at the time, but you stood out like a unicorn among fine horses, just pure beauty you were. I gravitated towards your essence like a bee to the core of a perfect flower. I was fascinated by your splendor and smell from the beginning, but as I came to know more about you, you taught me that deeply rooted in your DNA, was a bloodline of enthusiasm, grace and positivity that made everyone and everything around you feel enhanced.

“You use to be my rose”

I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Anything I did, you were by my side. You were my support and I was the sunlight you greatly required. My love for you flowed like the water you thirst for. I was your protective vase and I became the essential shade that you needed on a daily basis. You were very distinctive from all of the other flowers that I came across in my life. No matter where I was or who I was with, my mind stayed on you. There was no comparing when it came to comparison; you were the Babe Ruth of flowers.

“You use to be my rose”

Sometimes it feels like I hear your footsteps outside my door, but I shouldn’t think that because you are not mines anymore. You did everything right to keep me and my ambiance beautiful. I became lethargic as you continued to shine through my bullshit, and sooner than later, you finally gave up on me. I don’t blame you though, you deserve someone great. Someone who knows what a perfectly picked flower is. Someone that is gracious enough to sacrifice their own time to make sure you are well taken care of.

“You use to be my rose”

I indeed did what every amateur florist does, and that was taking you for granted. The sunlight I once was, became  dim as a dull light bulb. The water you once thirsted for, became dry as a desert lake. I am without words because I took your innocence and beauty for granted. You were the most loyal thing I could have ever asked for, and I couldn’t provide the simplest attention that you warned for to keep you happy.

I don’t deserve you and I don’t want another chance. All I ask is that you find someone who does. You are too rare to be taken lightly, and your exquisiteness should be in the presence of someone who cherishes such a thing. I know now that you are by far the most precious thing I ever had and it is far, far too late to step up to the plate……

“You use to be my rose, rose, rose”………

“But not anymore”

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

If you’ve had the delight of meeting me in the past month, you will notice something very different about my state of mind and body. As far as my mindset goes, I am more unwavering than ever to pursue my lifelong goals and as far as my physical attributes goes, I have dropped about 20 pounds since March and also have brand new tattoo across my chest that stretches to both my shoulders. So if you saw just 6 months ago, I may look different to you and my thought process is very different in a positive way.“Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying”……My version

This beautiful quote that I have taken a liking to came from the movie “Shawshank Redemption” starring Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. It is also one of my much loved movies of all time. If you haven’t seen it, you have to be one of the most unlucky people on the planet, because it is truly an influential film that stretches the imagination and heart. To sum it up, Tim Robbins character Andy Dufrain was charged with murdering his wife and her secret lover. He was naively framed and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. He makes friends with Morgan Freeman’s character Red and they become best friends the whole time he was in prison. Years later, while he was in prison, Andy received some invaluable information, that could get him out of prison and he went to the warden about it. The warden, who Andy was working for while in prison refused to hear the case or the story, because he didn’t want to lose him. Andy, very disturbed, became irate and ended up being sent to the hole for a couple months. When he finally got out of the hole, he was miserable and stuck between living and giving up. He had a heated discussion with Red and told him that he had to get out of prison. Knowing that he was guiltless of the crime, 20 years was enough for him in prison and he decided that you can do either two things in life, “Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”. He broke out of prison and fled to Mexico.

Just a truly influential movie, that got me thinking about my own life in that manner. 2009 has been somewhat of a good but puzzling year for me. After all, my New Year resolution was to just spend a vacation on a tropical island alone and slim down physically for my opportunity to get into acting and television. I slimmed down tremendously, but have yet gone anywhere to clear my head and soak up some sun. I haven’t traveled anywhere this year, which is a first and the summer has been average with me spending most of the time up in Minneapolis visiting my childhood friend. So I can say it has been a simple 2009 with little advancement in life. I have to say, I really wasted the past few years of my life by avoiding things I should be doing the most.

At the tender age of 28, I have a large amount of memories to smile about, but yet I find myself displeased with where I’m at in my life. For almost anyone else I know, if they had the privilege to experience things I have done since graduating college (2004), they would be thrilled. I have enjoyed time living in Greece, a third world country in Malaysia and soaked up sun in Australia for ten months. I worked as a party promoter in Las Vegas and enjoyed neighbors like Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton while living with friends in Los Angeles. Some people would take pleasure in telling these stories, but I am not pleased with where I am at in life.

I had an impressive basketball career in high school, college and internationally, but after my knee injury in college, basketball was really a job instead of a passion. I spent the last three years, working with children wherever I’ve lived and it has been rewarding in a way, but I never looked at it as a profession. My capability to possess a childlike energy, keeps me having fun in life, but doesn’t keep me satisfied with where my life is at.

So that is why I have determined that I can do two things in life and those are, “Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying”. I chose, Get Busy Living, because I was never the person to give up on anything in life, I am too obstinate. I have been fortunate and skilled enough to have succeeded in everything I have tried. I have always understood that hard work goes a long way. I came from a hard working family and I also saw how hard some people I know worked to get where they were. I witnessed my mother walk three miles in the freezing snow, when her car broke down to go to work. I have seen friends of mine work three jobs with no free time, just so they can pay tuition for school. I felt the love of my grandmother when she gave me money she didn’t have, just so I could have something to spend when I was broke in college. These people are the idols of my life, not any celebrities. Real life people that I have seen work hard and not whine about anything. They chose to live……The one thing that has dissatisfied me the most, is letting the talent I have waste away.

 In college, I was an All-American basketball player that got by off talent alone. I gained weight and never really trained as hard as I could have, but still was able to be better than 98 percent of the people I played with and against. After college I didn’t want to pursue a professional career in basketball, because I never had the same affection for it anymore, so I played only a couple years overseas. As far as education goes, I graduated with two degrees from my university, but never thought about using my degrees until later in life. I received one degree in Public Relations which was a pointless degree and another in Acting & Film.

Acting, which is the thing I want to do more than anything, has been put off many times for nothing. I’ve had call backs for auditions and movie roles, but never took them serious. I’m sure I have pissed off a few casting directors and agents who had faith in me. Everyone I know in LA wants to be an actor or musician and most of them will sadly never make it. The odds of becoming of a working actor in Hollywood or a Musician have to be one in a billion. I never looked at it as a hard career choice, because it was never a dream of mine to be a movie star, it has always just been a talent of mine since I was nine years old acting in plays. I have always felt I was better in performing arts, than I was in sports and that’s saying a lot. Ever since I was around sixteen, I always said I would move out to California and pursue acting, but the whole time I have been out here in California, it’s been about the partying and bullshit. I let myself get consumed by my lust’s instead of my task to succeed. I don’t regret anything, but I am disappointed, because there is not a single reason on this planet why I am not acting or why I am not a successful person to my liking. Not one reason and it is a shame that I have let my talent and opportunities go to waste for nothing.

So that is why I have chose to, “Get Busy Living” instead of “Get Busy Dying, because I know that my life didn’t stop at bouncing a ball and it didn’t stop at clubs, girls and the pursuit of shallow dollars. I have “Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying” tattooed across my chest to remind me every day, to never let myself down again….God Bless