So In Love With A Dead Person

For all that’s beautiful in this world, you are the only person who has brought me comfort in a time of heartache and sadness. When no one even thought to call me on a bad day, you were always there to stroke my ego. The true love that I have for you, is something an honest man like me can’t even put into words. The feelings that I’ve had while you were around, were something that you may feel only your wedding day. My outlook on life with you in it, was something that only a man, who has felt no worry or suffering, can relate to. The times that I felt safe in this cold bitter world, was when you were tattooed all throughout my life. You stayed beautiful even when you started to bare wrinkles and only a fool would foolishly throw away a relationship with you because of your appearance.

 When I first met you, you had that stubborn personality that told me that you only messed with people, who were really about their business, so that made me more determined to achieve more, so that I had a chance to earn quality time with you.  The moment I did, I was in love with everything about you and I never wanted you to leave my side. You were much older than me with way more experience, but you showed me the highs and lows of life and prepared me for the times you might not be around.

Most of my friends said you were fake and plastic with few morals, but I saw way more and ignored their jealous plight. I saw in you, a deep passion and a  love for all people, that was similar to a vet loving pets or a mother nurturing her firstborn. You gave every person the same chance to get acquainted with you and even made the ugliest men feel like King Tut. That right there, showed me from the beginning, that you were rarer than the other loves that I have had in my life up until that point.

You expressed gratitude and praise for the efforts I gave in pursuing you, so in return you gave me a peek inside your fabulous lifestyle. Your lifestyle was way different from the others that I have been with and you shared with me the riches of your life. I felt spoiled and undeserving of such an honor, but I stayed humble and accepted everything you offered with gracious respect for the others who weren’t so lucky.

The moments we shared together were better than having sex after a 2 year celibacy hiatus and the times you were away, were like isolated nights in a freezing desert with no coat or jacket.  I never thought that a person could make my heart feel a certain way just by the mere presence of their shadow.  Your aura could fuel a million cars and provide light to a billion homes. I feel like I lost a part of me once you passed away from my life and I have been searching for the likes of you ever since. They say that time heals all wounds, but I can’t accept the fact that I woke up from a peaceful night of sleep and suddenly you had vanished. It was like a 9.0 earthquake on my life and I have been slowly recovering ever since.

If there was one thing that I could say about you that I never did while you were around, it would be that you were by far the most refreshing person I have ever had in my life. I have never been in love, so I have no clue what that feeling feels like and I have heard that is a way better feeling, but the way you were to me, was like a loyal pet that never left home, so to see you pass away from my life is like a stingray’s tail to the heart. I just hope it’s not permanent and I am able to revive what we once had out of the darkness. If not, I must go on knowing that life with you was great and without you, I must deal with the reality of you not around anymore. For some reason, I just can’t accept that, because I am still in love with a man named Benjamin Franklin.

What If

 

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

Apple or Angel: Deciding Between Two Women

 

“For everything I been through in life, I never imagined it would be so hard to choose between the two. One has my mind, while the other has my heart. I never thought it was possible to fall in love with two women at the same time, but I have fallen victim to that scenario“.

Apple, a girl from the east coast has my MIND. She is beautiful, bright, with a large personality that intimidates most men. She is a woman of seasons and her frame of mind changes with the weather. She is one of a kind, and has no problem voicing her opinion with her blunt attitude. If you take her for granted, she will eat you alive and spit you out without a thought of sympathy. Men like me come a dime a dozen to her, so my mind-set and charisma is nothing she hasn’t seen. You have to actually work for Apple’s affection, but once you gain it, she is as devoted to you as a dog is to its owner. She is also an insomniac like me, so we are always up doing stuff. She NEVER sleeps.

Angel, a west coast girl, on the other hand has my HEART. She is a pretty Madonna that loves to be catered to and is very materialistic. If you not about your business, you don’t stand a chance in hell to keep her attention. She is so fast paced and will just move on to the next Joe Schmoe while you sit there in sorrowfulness. She lives for the good weather, the beach and the celebrity lifestyle. She is one of those women, who care about what you do for a living, and what kind of car you drive. Angel can be very cold-blooded. She is so Hollywood.

Angel’s persona is so unlike Apple’s, yet both of them have a swagger about them that draws me towards them both.See the dilemma is that I have a long history with Angel and I couldn’t let her go even if I tried. I have fully invested the last couple of years of my life to Angel and to just walk away from her would be foolish. Angel accepted me with open arms when I came into her life with a pocket full of dreams. She supported my goals in acting right from the get go. She usually went for men who had their stuff together, but saw huge potential in me, so she took a gamble. For that reason alone, she has my heart, because she accepted me unconditionally when she could have blew me off from the start.

Apple on the other hand, has been one of those women that I have always said was my type. We clicked the first time we laid eyes on each other and ever since then, she has captivated my mind in ways only a person in love can understand. She suits me well in every way. She is very ethnic and her parents are immigrants, so she understands her ancestor’s history and pride very well, plus she has faced tremendous personal tragedy. She supports my passions, but loves the fact that I have a gift for writing. I used to question myself everyday when it came to developing a relationship with her, but like I said before, she has a reputation that is cold, grimy and blunt which I know is over-exaggerated.

Angel and Apple both know what it’s like to go from nothing to something. They know plenty of people that can give me positive recommendations about business. The rich and beautiful just flock to them and that is something that is both intimidating and encouraging. There is never a dull moment in their lives and they are constantly stepping up their game to impress all of those around them, including me.If there were ever a harder choice to make in life, I would like to know what it is. I can’t go wrong with either choice, but my mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. I must go and visit them both, to weigh the pros and cons before I choose who I spend the rest of my life with. It saddens me that I have to choose between the two so quickly, but if I don’t soon, I will lose them both. I hope that both of them, Apple and Angel, understand that I am doing this for the benefit of them and me. I hope that I can mend both my mind and heart into one decision and choose wisely.The worst thing in life is, WHAT IF and I don’t want to look back on life questioning my decision after I decide. Hopefully I will make the right choice. 

      

GOD HELP ME

 

 

 

 

Letter To My Black Brother

“I’m not saying I am going to rule the world, but if I keep talking about how dirty it is, somebody going to clean it up” Tupac Shakur

In a society where the public image of us is negative and violent, it is up to us to change that. In a country where they have brainwashed our youth into thinking that being an athlete or entertainer is the only cool careers out, it is up to us to change that. The statistics don’t lie and we are to blame for our own demise, but that doesn‘t mean we have to follow suit. We live in a world of the jealous, greedy, deceitful and hateful, but that shouldn’t compromise our mission to create a generation of prideful black men like the ones who got tired of injustices in America and created the civil rights movement. Young men who honor their duty to serve the community with pride, love and patience. When children see us black brothers, they see their future and what they are seeing now is not what our ancestors wanted. They see a generation of disrespectful men who don’t value family, love, relationships or themselves. We treat women as if they were unlovable pets, we value money more than education and we disrespect ourselves by abusing our bodies with alcohol, drugs and sex. Is that setting an example? No it’s not.

The statistics show that black men are nearly seven times more likely to be incarcerated, with average jail sentences about 10 months longer than white men. We all know there is a double standard in the judicial system, we also know that we could argue that fatherlessness, a pervasive negative entertainment culture, racism, and multi-generational poverty in family structures in the black communities has a serious impact, but that doesn’t make a excuse for you to go rob your neighbor or beat up your girlfriend to get sent there. The white man or any other man is not to blame for you not going to college or selling drugs on the corner, you are to blame only yourself.

They say that black males between the ages of 15-34 are nearly eight times as likely to suffer from AIDS as their white counterparts. Once again, these numbers are not exaggerated for the hatred of the black man, sex it is clearly represented in our society and we took the bait and ran with it. Look at our movies, listen to our songs and you will understand that we have been creating an atomic bomb in our own communities that is corrupting our young at an astounding rate. Back in the day, the black man was looked at as a protector, provider and loyal husband. Now the stereotypes paint us as being either an exception with athletic gifts, great vocals skill, stupid with humor or having big penises (which isn’t the case for everyone, no matter your ethnicity).

We live in a time where black males ages 15-19 die from homicide at 46 times the rate of white males. Who do we blame for taking a gun and going to kill our neighbor? Oh yeah that is right, blame white people. NO, blame yourself for the ignorance that caused you to kill another person over a block war or a girlfriend that was lying to you both. We have to start using our minds before we wipe ourselves out of positive discussions about great leaders in the world today.

It kills me when I see so many young men talk about women, cars, money, jewelry and other crap in such a shallow manner. I am not being a hypocrite, I have been just as ignorant in my ways at times, but I have realized much sooner than I expected, that I was being what society wanted me to be and I had to change my thinking. My thought process use to blame a woman for me not trusting women in general, rather than looking into the mirror and seeing what I was valuing in a person was shallow ways instilled in me. I never wanted a Mercedes or BMW for myself, I wanted it for attention. Attention that would get me laid or at least a chance to get laid. Clothes and jewelry were bought for the simple pleasure of showing off and staying fresh for the ladies. If I would have just been smart enough to want them things for myself, I would have gotten them a lot quicker and the women would have appreciated me anyways. I thought that way for a long time and now I realize the ignorance I once had and I still see it in so many young black men and young men in general. Ignorance is not racist; it travels along touching everyone no matter your skin color.

Black male achievement begins to decline as early as the fourth grade and by high school; black males are more likely to drop out. In 2001, only 42.8 percent graduated from high school, compared to 70.8 percent for their white counterparts. Now we can say that parents are to blame because of this but I disagree. The slogan: “It takes a village to raise a child” needs to be reinforced. We sit around and see young kids talk about school in such a negative manner in today’s world and I think it is sad that we are not speaking to our little black brothers about the importance of college let alone high school. We need to look at these kids and curse at them in a manner of concern and love for not going to school or even finishing. If we can push, punch or fight a brother for looking at us wrong in the streets, why can’t we grab a brother aside and talk to him about educating himself for his own future and the benefit of the generation after him? I can remember times when I couldn’t even go to my mother or a family member about homework that I needed help on, because they were not educated to do so. That trend has to stop.So that is my point, the more we feed into this negative society that pegs us only athletes, entertainers, felons, gang members, lazy people, sex craved individuals and ignorant men, the more our generations will decay. It is up to me and other young black men to wake up and create a future for our little black brothers that tell them being a basketball or football player is fine, but also receiving an academic scholarship is just as cool. We need doctors, teachers, police officers, honest preachers, loyal husband and fathers and respectful men we can be proud of in our communities to show our little black brothers that you can be anything you want to be and not just another statistic.God Bless