Tag Archive: heart


INESCAPABLE

As the new born morning flirts with my soul, I gaze out of my bedroom window staring at nothing, but thinking about everything. My thoughts are steadily on a drug addict like high without the use of any narcotics, but the pressures of the day still makes me want to sink back into the bed and curl up like a little child who still thinks the boogeyman exist. The possibility of tomorrow however lift my spirit and awakens my ego, so I still get up like a defeated boxer who has just lost his belt, just as my curtains are also defeated by the suns Mike Tyson like aura.

For years, I have been the villain of my life when it came to stability, responsibility and direction, but now I feel content like I am under a spell by goddess, who has imprisoned my heart. With no way to free myself from this self-guided purgatory, I allow my soul to surrender to this inescapable power that caresses my fears, befriends my dreams and makes love to my heart.

Everywhere around us is the beauty of Mother Nature and God’s wonderful artistry. The oceans, mountains, clouds and rain forests of the world are a small spec in comparison to God’s ultimate creation, which is the pure heart. The pure heart that “he who is the most high” created, blesses only a select few to be able to coddle a soul like a mother to her first born or a father to his first son.

You make me feel safe in a world that possesses the security codes to my worst fears and you make me feel wonderful in a time where I should feel saddened by the irresponsibility of our generation. You bring the possibility of change to my heart more than any president could and you continue to make good on your promise as quickly as a Las Vegas casino does by taking your pride and money.

The most beautiful things in life sometime come from life’s fertilizer and you have gladly taken my shit and painted a wonderful mosaic picture in my mind when it comes to my life, your heart and our future. Waiting to see you makes hours seem like years, minutes go by like months and seconds feel like weeks.

 In the blink of an eye, you could be gone, I could botch our future like a field goal holder during the super o or our love could just fade away from our hearts just as quickly as a tsunami washes away homes. For the first time in my life I am not afraid. I finally feel peace and the winds of doubt are silenced by the beauty in your eyes and assurance in your actions. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might just get what you need and in this case, I got both. You are what I have wanted ever since I knew what love was, a real life fantasy with no popcorn, candy or ending credits.

Be my Rose Dewitt Bukater and I will promise to be your Jack Dawson and protect your heart from drowning in pain.  I will never let go even if my physical body is taken from this earth. The valuable moments that we all have in life should be shared with someone special and fortunately I found a locksmith that made a key that can never be replaced and it belongs to you my love.

Never change who you are, because I finally found someone who motivates me to be better in a world that forces you to give up. The only thing I can promise you that is more valuable than money, material and other shallow things is the fact that I intend to suffer for your happiness and our future.

I am all yours!!!

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What If

 

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

Love In A Big Blue Ball

 

On this day, the early morning sunrise awakens a lost soul that for some time has felt emptier than a homeless man cup on an average day. The clear blue skies ease my mind as I gaze into the sky searching for a thought or clue to what my life purpose is. My heart sags deep inside my chest hiding from temptation and despair, only while hoping to connect with someone who feels just the same. The true lovers of the earth go through hell before they fine heaven in someone. My personal purgatory has been filled with isolation from those who feel like me. On the outside I appear stronger than titanium, but on the inside I possess a soul that feels like it has been in a 15 round boxing match with Muhammad Ali. For some reason, I was born to love and as I age finer than a bottle of Heidsieck, I begin to realize I am not like everyone else. I notice that my thought process produces magical thoughts of happiness that only appears into love stories or romantic movies from the 50’s like South Pacific and The Quiet Man.

Trying to find love in this big blue ball is the catch 22 that is tattooed on my mind and heart. The mere mentioning of the words Love or Happiness brings a smile to my face that can only be reproduced when I see my mother or grandmother. The future holds a great chapter for me that has yet to take form because everyday I learn something new about myself that wasn’t there the day before. The only thing that I can attest to that will remain with me until the day I return to the dust from which I came, is the purity of my beliefs that love conquers anything. Whether that is money, material, looks or stubborn values, love transcends human nature in a way that is unexplainable just like me being able to go to sleep and wake up everyday. The fact that I am able to write this and be as genuine as a new born baby smile, proves that something greater than me or you created this big blue ball out of some kind of love. I use to wonder if the creator of this world made this big blue ball to prove to some other Godley life form how powerful he or she was. As my mind pauses on that thought, I should point out that the world has been around for billions of years and the fact that it has lasted that long goes to show you how much GOD(whatever name) has for us as a creation.

We all are gods of our own lives and we all have the ability to create something that is as magical as a Harry potter book. I want to produce out of thin air, a courtship in which I take my time to get to know someone and learn to love the things I disagree about that person. I want to be able to look back 20 years from now and smile about the first time I met the women I am still in love with. I want to be able to tell my great grandchildren the story of how I met her and how nervous I was when I proposed. I want to look at our first photo album together and wonder where all those years went. This is the reason why I shall not want or hurry for love, but I will stay as thirsty for it as a runner is for water after completing the Boston marathon. Until then, I will wonder where my thought process will be just a day from now. The one thing that I know for sure like I said before is the heart that is logged into my chest will remain patient for the one who deserves a love that is as rare as a mythical unicorn (they don’t exist).

IT

 

In the blink of an eye, IT can make you feel as powerful as a president or as low as a man living on the streets. IT never waits for you, constantly flowing with movement and determination trying to find the next best thing. Once you get a hold of IT, you should never let IT go and should do anything to keep IT. As time passes you by, you begin to underestimate the value that IT has in your life, and you become lethargic in your approach to keep IT. Once you lose IT, you become depressed and sadden by the sudden reality of IT being gone. What are left are bitter memories of good times and joyful moments that turn you into an insomniac. IT never seems to worry about you as much as you should for IT, because IT has options and your value to IT is nothing compared to the value IT holds for you.When IT is fertilized into your life, things grow at a rapid rate and life seems to be much clearer and less stressful on a regular basis. IT can take the ugliest man off the streets and turn him into Brad Pitt or Will Smith in the matter of seconds. IT give’s hope to the hopeless and makes certain people feel as important as Barack Obama. IT is something that is both priceless and expensive. Priceless in a way, that takes something ordinary and turns IT into something that is rare as a unicorn. Expensive in a way, because IT will turn a person who once possessed a caring heart, into a person as heartless as Kanye West smash hit. That IT was designed to protect itself from people who are careless and shallow, but like all things, IT falls into the wrong hands at times.If you are one of the few lucky people on this earth to experience IT, then you are in a rare category of people. Though unselective, IT tends to follow people who have good hearts and great minds, but like I said, IT can land into the wrong hands and become a problematic situation for many because of one foolish mind. IT shows neither feelings nor favoritism. IT just cruises through life stopping at every red light enjoying the moment until it reaches its next destination.

My advice to those who will read this is, enjoy every second that you will have with IT, because IT is not guaranteed to all, and will appear and disappear as quickly as good weather in Minnesota. 

God Bless

Guardian Angel

 

As I lay there immovable in a comatose state of mind, you never left my side. It was months of the same routine and you didn’t distrust yourself one second. An unfortunate accident caused my life and your heart to be tested and you showed what great love is.You are the definition for unconditional.What laid ahead for me was an uncertain outcome and you still remained by my side. The doctors said it was a foregone conclusion for me, but you remained hopeful while others doubted.

Months went by and you stayed in that hospital room clutching onto me with your love and your faith. You proved to me that faith in something was far stronger than faith in nothing. I heard you speaking to God one night asking him to give me another chance, and I knew by your tone that you believe I deserved one even when I didn’t think so myself. You are so special to me and I want you to know that. The quiet whispers that you softly spoke with were heard by my soul and swallowed by my heart. Your love kept me alive even when I shouldn’t have been and I love you ever more for that.

There is something to be said about the human spirit when it knows it is loved. It can gain the strength of a thousand men in the most extreme circumstances when it knows that love is reciprocated and you proved that.I couldn’t open my eyes or move a muscle, but my heart never stopped beating, because it is forever linked with yours. As long as you are by my side, I am invincible to sadness and pain, you comfort me in a way that a mother does her first born right after giving birth, and it is magical.I am honored that you chose to be my life partner, when you could have chosen so many others to be with. I know that everything in life happens by choice and good reason, but for some unfortunate one, you choice to be by my side and I am humbled in your presence.You proved to me that love conquers all things and all doubters.

I sat in that intensive care unit unable to see, speak or move for eight months and finally awoke after so many wrote me off and it was because of your strength, your faith and your LOVE.

 

 

I want to say thank you my GUARDIAN ANGEL

For all that is beautiful in the world, I remain miserable and alone here on this beach, staring at an ocean with no people. As the waves crash against the beautiful innocent sand, I can only hope to sit here in serenity with only sound of Mother Nature’s best creation keeping me company. Away from a world that spews out hatred by the second. Away from a world where love is only a word and where people separate themselves daily only to gain power. I remain oblivious to hates repulsive hand that slaps us across the face daily.

As I gaze into the sky, I witness birds flying across Mother Nature’s beautiful sky effortlessly without interruption or distraction wondering where they are going. To me, I lust to be one of those birds as I stare at them with an envious smirk. They are above the world’s petty ways and they wish not to be amongst it. That is why I am here alone on this beach, all by myself counting the days until my soul makes me feel like those birds and take me home. A home where love, is not a rare event. Where it is a vital part of existence and without it you’re not alive. I did not ask to be here, yet I feel so much pressure to belong and I wonder why.

Is it by fate that I was chosen to live a life empty on the inside, yet continuing to flash a fake smile to a world that hates me or is it luck that my soul stumbled upon human creation and decided to test human nature? Only a superior power has the answers to my eternal questions and it sucks that I have to wait until my number is called. It is without question that I end it prematurely, so I have to take what is dealt to me.

So all I have is myself, this beach and those birds to keep me company as I wait for my soul to get bored and finally go home. I watch days become nights, winter’s become spring and summer’s become fall. It’s an everyday cycle of loveless days for me and I feel stuck in a groundhog’s playground full of tears. Until then I must enjoy life alone here on this beach staring at an ocean with no people, no friends, no love and no happiness… Just waiting to go home.

Envious of my shadow

 

Every now and then I wish I was the shadow of myself, so that I could be one second behind my decisions. I would have the capability to make smarter choices that my actual self couldn’t make. It would be nice to have a second chance at repentance if only I was my shadow.  I believe he gets a rise out of watching me try over and over again at succeeding in this tough world.

My shadow remains unobserved to the world, meanwhile my actual self, has to deal with the contemporary issues that life hands you. I am envious of the quiet lifestyle that my dark shadow possesses, he is so lucky to be without pain, yet he is present for my glorious accomplishments. My shadow is without judgments; he just cruises along being my silent associate never judging my actions.

He is there when I am cheerless, and he is there when I am jovial. It makes me invidious that my shadow has no emotion, but I understand that God has put him there just to be a sidekick. If only for a day I was my shadow, I could actually take pleasure in a bit of the world without interruption. I am envious of him once again, for the precision in which he possesses.

He is the shadowy knight of my life, a cape crusader observing my every move. It is unachievable for me to escape him, so I just deal with him following my every step.

Just once I wish he could be me, and I be my own silhouette, so I could finally see through the eyes of me………… one second behind.

 

 

The past is something we should use to pilot our future, not something that should have power over us. When we allow our past to dictate what we do now, we are no longer in control of ourselves.

You will never drive life’s highway without sometimes hitting bumps like regrets and heartache. When you do, it’s easy to get stuck there, gazing back into your rearview mirror at the past like a lost soul. That is the same with relationships and many people tend to let their past dictate their future inevitable missing out on someone great, who didn’t get  a fair chance to prove they weren’t the same guy who treated you like crap.

On the outside, people can appear to be the same sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they are. I have met so many women in my life that have accused me of being like someone they dated, without even letting me have a chance to prove that I was unique in my own way. This did not make me mad or frustrated, it actually turned me off, because here I was, a guy who was genuinely interested in a woman who I wanted to spend time with and she is reminding that I was like a past relationship and it was making it hard for her to really trust me. So I refused to be labeled and I came up with ways for troubled hearts to be mended so they could move on. I wanted to make people understand that pushing a person away is not the answer and it only alienates you from good people who want to see you happy.

For one, holding onto sullenness after someone has hurt you will only continue to hurt you more by poisoning your heart and soul. People need to understand that there is only one antidote to that poison and that is moving on. You have to decide not to allow people who have wronged you to keep controlling your life. You have to remember what people have done to you and never forget, but you must embrace a positive future and think the next person or situation that comes in my life will be positive and not negative. You can’t let the grim past clutch onto your future and stay there like plaque on teeth. You have to cleanse your mind of the unhealthy past and think that what you learned or went through will only make the next relationship or situation better.

Secondly, understanding that it’s healthy to remember your past as long as you’re learning from it and remembering how it can help your future situation for the better. But you must beware of becoming so engrossed with your past that it begins to dictate your present and future. Don’t let your past define you; that’s not healthy for you or the person that you are trying to give your heart to. You have to understand that you’re not a victim of your circumstances and that no one but yourself can tie you to the past; you decide whether or not to move on, not anyone else. Realize that your experiences in life aren’t just for your own benefit – they’re also designed to help other people. You can apply what you’ve learned about moving on to encourage others to do the same. There is nothing better than seeing someone help a person through a tough situation they also went through.

Last but not least, how many times have you heard a person say they don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to get their hurt broken again? While this seems like a reasonable outlook after dealing with such a “controlling, lying, or cheating” partner, it is really just a crutch.

When a person compares everyone in their future with the people of their past who have hurt them, they are voluntarily letting them the control their future as well. They are still attached to them in a way that is even worse than when they were together, because now, it isn’t even a real person who controls them, but a shadow of bad memories. It is up to you as an individual to not let yourself be controlled by your past’s ghost. You must remind yourself that you are not with them for a reason and they didn’t deserve you in the first place. Once you come to embrace that you as a partner deserves to be treated like a king or queen, you will then fully understand that the past is the past and it can’t control the beautiful future that awaits you.

EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

If you’ve had the delight of meeting me in the past month, you will notice something very different about my state of mind and body. As far as my mindset goes, I am more unwavering than ever to pursue my lifelong goals and as far as my physical attributes goes, I have dropped about 20 pounds since March and also have brand new tattoo across my chest that stretches to both my shoulders. So if you saw just 6 months ago, I may look different to you and my thought process is very different in a positive way.“Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying”……My version

This beautiful quote that I have taken a liking to came from the movie “Shawshank Redemption” starring Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman. It is also one of my much loved movies of all time. If you haven’t seen it, you have to be one of the most unlucky people on the planet, because it is truly an influential film that stretches the imagination and heart. To sum it up, Tim Robbins character Andy Dufrain was charged with murdering his wife and her secret lover. He was naively framed and was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. He makes friends with Morgan Freeman’s character Red and they become best friends the whole time he was in prison. Years later, while he was in prison, Andy received some invaluable information, that could get him out of prison and he went to the warden about it. The warden, who Andy was working for while in prison refused to hear the case or the story, because he didn’t want to lose him. Andy, very disturbed, became irate and ended up being sent to the hole for a couple months. When he finally got out of the hole, he was miserable and stuck between living and giving up. He had a heated discussion with Red and told him that he had to get out of prison. Knowing that he was guiltless of the crime, 20 years was enough for him in prison and he decided that you can do either two things in life, “Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying”. He broke out of prison and fled to Mexico.

Just a truly influential movie, that got me thinking about my own life in that manner. 2009 has been somewhat of a good but puzzling year for me. After all, my New Year resolution was to just spend a vacation on a tropical island alone and slim down physically for my opportunity to get into acting and television. I slimmed down tremendously, but have yet gone anywhere to clear my head and soak up some sun. I haven’t traveled anywhere this year, which is a first and the summer has been average with me spending most of the time up in Minneapolis visiting my childhood friend. So I can say it has been a simple 2009 with little advancement in life. I have to say, I really wasted the past few years of my life by avoiding things I should be doing the most.

At the tender age of 28, I have a large amount of memories to smile about, but yet I find myself displeased with where I’m at in my life. For almost anyone else I know, if they had the privilege to experience things I have done since graduating college (2004), they would be thrilled. I have enjoyed time living in Greece, a third world country in Malaysia and soaked up sun in Australia for ten months. I worked as a party promoter in Las Vegas and enjoyed neighbors like Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton while living with friends in Los Angeles. Some people would take pleasure in telling these stories, but I am not pleased with where I am at in life.

I had an impressive basketball career in high school, college and internationally, but after my knee injury in college, basketball was really a job instead of a passion. I spent the last three years, working with children wherever I’ve lived and it has been rewarding in a way, but I never looked at it as a profession. My capability to possess a childlike energy, keeps me having fun in life, but doesn’t keep me satisfied with where my life is at.

So that is why I have determined that I can do two things in life and those are, “Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying”. I chose, Get Busy Living, because I was never the person to give up on anything in life, I am too obstinate. I have been fortunate and skilled enough to have succeeded in everything I have tried. I have always understood that hard work goes a long way. I came from a hard working family and I also saw how hard some people I know worked to get where they were. I witnessed my mother walk three miles in the freezing snow, when her car broke down to go to work. I have seen friends of mine work three jobs with no free time, just so they can pay tuition for school. I felt the love of my grandmother when she gave me money she didn’t have, just so I could have something to spend when I was broke in college. These people are the idols of my life, not any celebrities. Real life people that I have seen work hard and not whine about anything. They chose to live……The one thing that has dissatisfied me the most, is letting the talent I have waste away.

 In college, I was an All-American basketball player that got by off talent alone. I gained weight and never really trained as hard as I could have, but still was able to be better than 98 percent of the people I played with and against. After college I didn’t want to pursue a professional career in basketball, because I never had the same affection for it anymore, so I played only a couple years overseas. As far as education goes, I graduated with two degrees from my university, but never thought about using my degrees until later in life. I received one degree in Public Relations which was a pointless degree and another in Acting & Film.

Acting, which is the thing I want to do more than anything, has been put off many times for nothing. I’ve had call backs for auditions and movie roles, but never took them serious. I’m sure I have pissed off a few casting directors and agents who had faith in me. Everyone I know in LA wants to be an actor or musician and most of them will sadly never make it. The odds of becoming of a working actor in Hollywood or a Musician have to be one in a billion. I never looked at it as a hard career choice, because it was never a dream of mine to be a movie star, it has always just been a talent of mine since I was nine years old acting in plays. I have always felt I was better in performing arts, than I was in sports and that’s saying a lot. Ever since I was around sixteen, I always said I would move out to California and pursue acting, but the whole time I have been out here in California, it’s been about the partying and bullshit. I let myself get consumed by my lust’s instead of my task to succeed. I don’t regret anything, but I am disappointed, because there is not a single reason on this planet why I am not acting or why I am not a successful person to my liking. Not one reason and it is a shame that I have let my talent and opportunities go to waste for nothing.

So that is why I have chose to, “Get Busy Living” instead of “Get Busy Dying, because I know that my life didn’t stop at bouncing a ball and it didn’t stop at clubs, girls and the pursuit of shallow dollars. I have “Get Busy Living OR Get Busy Dying” tattooed across my chest to remind me every day, to never let myself down again….God Bless

 

Have you ever been in a situation where it was too late to say goodbye? On the other hand, what about looking back on your life with absolute disgust at something you should have done but never did? That is what I am speaking of when I say, Old too soon & Smart too late. I have had opportunities in my life slip away many times because I was either lazy, or just procrastinating about what I wanted in my life. I sat back and said to myself, that those opportunities or people will still be around when I need them and the reality of it was I never was able to get those chances again.

I remember talking to one of my friends a while ago, who mentioned an ex girlfriend that he lost because of his promiscuous lifestyle. He said for many years, he took advantage of the love she had for him because he knew she was not going anywhere. He would go days without seeing her, never giving her the time that she deserved and had other women on the side. He was pure hell to the girl and finally she had enough of his shit. She left him for good and he never spoke or seen her again.

My friend truly has deep regret for his actions and blames all of his personal issues on himself. He said that he thinks of the life he would have had with his ex if he were not so selfish. He spoke of his ex in a heavenly manner. She was someone who would give her last nickel to him if he needed it. She spoiled him rotten and was rewarded with disrespect and heartache time after time. There were never any dates or flowers and those were the little things. He never got her birthday gift’s or Christmas present‘s, but she did all of those things and more. She helped finance a car for him because of his poor credit and was repaid with lies and cheating with no apparent end in sight. He understands that he lost a rare breed of woman and it was his fault. Like I said, old too soon & smart too late.

I am constantly trying to find ways to improve myself on a daily basis and every day I learn something new. With this issue, I understand that I have to seize the moment before it is gone. Maybe it is I simply calling my grandmother to say how much I love her, or perhaps telling a beautiful woman how much I appreciate her conversation and time. Regardless of the scenario, I understand that time flies by faster than a speeding bullet and before you know it, you are forty-five, fat needing to lose weight, or simply too old to chase your dreams. No matter what it is, we all need to appreciate the time we have on earth and seize the opportunities at hand before you are too old & smart too late.