Tag Archive: appreciation


A Love Migraine

For what it’s worth, life is full of unexpected twists and turns that keep you in engaged for the most part. Who would have thought that a little thing could lead into something that has my mind totally lost in a dark labyrinth with no flashlight? The feelings that have suddenly developed are sort of like a blindsided punch from Mike Tyson and the fact that it was so out of left field makes it harder to recover from. It’s like you intruded my heart with 10,000 Trojan soldiers and took over my mind with calculated decisions. Is this a dream or is this what love actually feels like? I have always heard that love is sickening and hurtful to the point where you actually begin to love the pain. I am starting to see clearly through the dark fog, which is my prideful mind and understand that love is beyond powerful.

The fact that I stare into another woman eyes and still think about you, is why I have decided to accept that fact that I finally love something. All my life, it has been about me and no one else, but I can finally see myself giving up a plethora of things to have you in my life. The decision has made many around me jealous and frustrated, but there is only room for one heart in my chest and I decided that it belongs to you. For years, I have traveled the world in a nomadic  state searching for something or someone, who would give me motivation to change my selfish ways and you are the only one who challenged me to change and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

You threaten to leave and never talk to me again, but the love that you had for me, made you give me chance after chance even though you should have walked away a long time ago. You told me that there were many people, who put in the time and effort to earn your affection and were not unappreciative of your worth. When the door was beginning to close, I finally decided to stand up and pull you back into my life. If I was in a hospital bed, my vitals at the time would have been lifeless and my dialysis may have shown a flat line. I don’t know what it was or when it happened, but all of sudden the sun felt like it was on my face and I finally felt the heat to open my lazy mouth and say the words that most men are afraid to say, which is LOSING. I had lost you and you helped me realized that my shit does stink and if I wanted something I would have to work at it and not be spoon fed it.

 On that note, I want to whisper just a few words to you that mean the world to me and show you that I do care. “I Love You”. You can take that any way you want it, but the fact that I was strong enough to say those words out of my mouth at this present time, shows that I have come a long way from where I just was. This LOVE MIGRAINE that I have is painful, but needed like a crutch to a man with a broken leg to see that I have something to live for. I finally removed the clothing of my body to reveal my ET like chest and show you that I have a heart embedded in my body just like everyone else, but it took me seeing you walking out of my life to realize it.

 I will never let you down again.

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So In Love With A Dead Person

For all that’s beautiful in this world, you are the only person who has brought me comfort in a time of heartache and sadness. When no one even thought to call me on a bad day, you were always there to stroke my ego. The true love that I have for you, is something an honest man like me can’t even put into words. The feelings that I’ve had while you were around, were something that you may feel only your wedding day. My outlook on life with you in it, was something that only a man, who has felt no worry or suffering, can relate to. The times that I felt safe in this cold bitter world, was when you were tattooed all throughout my life. You stayed beautiful even when you started to bare wrinkles and only a fool would foolishly throw away a relationship with you because of your appearance.

 When I first met you, you had that stubborn personality that told me that you only messed with people, who were really about their business, so that made me more determined to achieve more, so that I had a chance to earn quality time with you.  The moment I did, I was in love with everything about you and I never wanted you to leave my side. You were much older than me with way more experience, but you showed me the highs and lows of life and prepared me for the times you might not be around.

Most of my friends said you were fake and plastic with few morals, but I saw way more and ignored their jealous plight. I saw in you, a deep passion and a  love for all people, that was similar to a vet loving pets or a mother nurturing her firstborn. You gave every person the same chance to get acquainted with you and even made the ugliest men feel like King Tut. That right there, showed me from the beginning, that you were rarer than the other loves that I have had in my life up until that point.

You expressed gratitude and praise for the efforts I gave in pursuing you, so in return you gave me a peek inside your fabulous lifestyle. Your lifestyle was way different from the others that I have been with and you shared with me the riches of your life. I felt spoiled and undeserving of such an honor, but I stayed humble and accepted everything you offered with gracious respect for the others who weren’t so lucky.

The moments we shared together were better than having sex after a 2 year celibacy hiatus and the times you were away, were like isolated nights in a freezing desert with no coat or jacket.  I never thought that a person could make my heart feel a certain way just by the mere presence of their shadow.  Your aura could fuel a million cars and provide light to a billion homes. I feel like I lost a part of me once you passed away from my life and I have been searching for the likes of you ever since. They say that time heals all wounds, but I can’t accept the fact that I woke up from a peaceful night of sleep and suddenly you had vanished. It was like a 9.0 earthquake on my life and I have been slowly recovering ever since.

If there was one thing that I could say about you that I never did while you were around, it would be that you were by far the most refreshing person I have ever had in my life. I have never been in love, so I have no clue what that feeling feels like and I have heard that is a way better feeling, but the way you were to me, was like a loyal pet that never left home, so to see you pass away from my life is like a stingray’s tail to the heart. I just hope it’s not permanent and I am able to revive what we once had out of the darkness. If not, I must go on knowing that life with you was great and without you, I must deal with the reality of you not around anymore. For some reason, I just can’t accept that, because I am still in love with a man named Benjamin Franklin.

What If

 

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

A Moment With My Conscious

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A Hibiscus Love

The whispers of your promise float away on a ship that is set to never return. The sunshine appears to fade as the clouds of misery begin to descend upon my heart. What was thought to be true love now appears to be true sadness. The memories of happiness are now frozen in time, with only mental pictures, that now seem like moments that never even happen. Just months ago, our love appeared to be on a journey that had its final destination ending at the gates of eternity. The unconditional nature of our courtship seemed so surreal and now the reality of us not being together is actual pain.

“I once had a recurrent dream where you were an angel and we made love on a cloud outside the gates of heaven. I had not yet proved my worth to enter, so God allowed you to leave to visit me. He understood your love for me so well that he lit the sky perfectly like a big candle and we made love for hours on top of that cloud. Once he summoned for your return, I woke up anxiously waiting to fall back asleep. Each night was the same dream with different scenarios.”

That dream had a drug like effect on my heart and kept me addicted for a long time after you were gone. As fragile as love and life can be, I never looked at our situation in such a short manner. I had no idea that you would be taken away from me so soon, so young and so beautiful. The last words from your mouth were, “I LOVE YOU” and I will never forget them, because you were the only one that has ever actually meant them. You came into my life when I needed you most and you left when I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. My soul appears to be on life support and I am not sure what I am going to do. I just hope that my next dream is one where you bring peace to my heart, so I can once again regain a calmness that you once bestowed on me.

“Our life together seemed to bloom like a Hibiscus flower and fade away just as quickly. You were full of life and love, but you came and went like that beautiful flower that blooms for a day and is gone forever.”

I can never replace what you were and what you stood for, but it is healthy for my soul to do so. I never imagined that I could want to leave this earth to be with you so soon. Life has a funny way of showing you how much it’s in control. When everything appears to be smooth sailing, the sky turns black, the waves get higher and the wind begins to produce a monster hurricane that brings destruction upon your heart. My heart has been shattered into pieces not by disappointment, but by guilt.  The guilt of never really telling you how much I love you while you were here. I took for granted that you would always be around and the moment you wasn’t, my heart began to plunge deep into the ocean of heartbreak.

The impressive physical strength that I possess only makes me feel weaker when I realize it has nothing to do with the strength of the soul. You can’t bench press your heart and a leg press has nothing to do with your spirit.”

As the evening turns to night, I sit on a balcony looking up at the moon wondering if you are on the cloud that once was occupied by my dreams. I wonder if you are up there looking down on me with a smile of promise. A promise of a better tomorrow and an even happier ending. An ending where my dream of making love on a cloud isn’t a dream after all, but a physical reality. A reality where love is not just a thought out process in which hopeless souls day dream, but where hopeless souls find their true counterpart and live a eternal life of joy, honor and commitment that last forever.

“Whether that day appears soon or years later, I will always keep my heart locked away until the day our souls reconnect. You are the one that completed my journey of love and you were taken away too soon, so I am being stubborn with life and shallow to the point of only wanting you to claim what is rightfully yours.”

Will Harris

Rather Go Blind

Just the site of your existence paralyzes my every movement. Sudden shifts of your body draws my eyes toward you and moves my soul over a foot. Without words, you make my heart feel like it has entered a nightclub of love through a VIP entrance. Now with these sudden thoughts of losing that feeling I would rather go blind, because the mere thought of not having you makes me not want to live. The moments of my life that seem so perfect have you in them, and I couldn’t stand to try and complete life without you being there to complete me.

You are like my asthma pump and without you there, I can’t breathe easy. You leaving me is like taking all the pure oxygen in my world and leaving me with a toxic filled air to breath. If that is what life has in store for me, I would rather go blind and not be able to see what love truly can be.It’s like you baptized me with a touch of love in which my world became clearer and my heart more pure. It was like my love life was receiving heart surgery and waking up to a new promise, a promise where I held my end of the bargain and showed that I understood what real love was. For all that life has blessed me with; you came into my life as an overpowering challenger to my heart. You easily defeated my worry of trust, loyalty and honesty. You made my heart feel safer than a 20 point lead with two minutes to go in the game and Jordan holding the ball.

To me, you are a goddess and to not have you in my personal heaven, I would rather go blind than to see you leaving me to love someone else.For all its worth, I understand that everything in life happens for a reason, but there is no single reason why my heart could ever love another.  You took my heart when it was homeless and gave it comfort, security and meaning. You allowed my soul to recapture its strength when it was once a defeated victim. For that, I owe you my love and I couldn’t think of loving another, because you are the reason I know what love is. The thoughts of tomorrow and the memories of yesterday allow my mind to stay loyal regardless of temptations. You are my diamond and I am engaged to your love and I would rather go blind if I couldn’t have any of the above.

My Empty Pillow

 

As the cold night shivers my half naked body, I can’t help but notice that something is missing in my life that needs to be there. My life is a constant dream to most, yet I did not seek it. I have everything I could have asked for, but I still feel as poor as a man on the street petitioning for change. I have traveled to the ends of the earth for personal glory, yet I feel as if I have not traveled a mile. I’ve had dinners with celebrities, politicians and other important figures alike, but I feel like I have eaten alone for so many years. I have a plethora of friends who are honest, loyal and dependable, yet I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Something truly is absent in my life, but I can’t understand why.

Night after night I lay in my bed staring at the other side of it, wondering what is to come of the empty pillow that lies next to me. Not knowing if I am ever going to have someone there is the catch-22 that keeps me up at night. For all the beauty and comfort that money brings, I have seen many people go to bed unaccompanied with their own empty pillow beside them. My empty pillow is the most precious thing that I have, because it keeps me mesmerized by the future. Who will she be? What will she look like? Where will she be from? All of those thoughts are nightly routines when I lay alone in my bed.

The older I get, the more anxious I become of the conclusion of that empty pillow. The thought of having the love of my life becoming the rightful owner of that pillow is heaven to me, because I know that is what will make my life whole. Many have tried to lay claim to that empty pillow, but none has captivated my interest long enough to be the one, so now the other side of my bed lays secluded. Isolated from an awkwardness that has been there before, because I knew past counterparts didn’t belong on a pillow that was so divine.

The more I dwell, the more impatient I get, but I refuse to settle even the slightest. It doesn’t matter how stunning or how curvy the rightful owner of my empty pillow may be, it’s how magnificent she will be laying on a pillow that has laid empty for years. My heart and my gut tells me that she is near, so I am preparing my psyche for the one that will claim my lonely heart and lonely pillow, then I finally lay in my bed completely satisfied with life

 

“For everything I been through in life, I never imagined it would be so hard to choose between the two. One has my mind, while the other has my heart. I never thought it was possible to fall in love with two women at the same time, but I have fallen victim to that scenario“.

Apple, a girl from the east coast has my MIND. She is beautiful, bright, with a large personality that intimidates most men. She is a woman of seasons and her frame of mind changes with the weather. She is one of a kind, and has no problem voicing her opinion with her blunt attitude. If you take her for granted, she will eat you alive and spit you out without a thought of sympathy. Men like me come a dime a dozen to her, so my mind-set and charisma is nothing she hasn’t seen. You have to actually work for Apple’s affection, but once you gain it, she is as devoted to you as a dog is to its owner. She is also an insomniac like me, so we are always up doing stuff. She NEVER sleeps.

Angel, a west coast girl, on the other hand has my HEART. She is a pretty Madonna that loves to be catered to and is very materialistic. If you not about your business, you don’t stand a chance in hell to keep her attention. She is so fast paced and will just move on to the next Joe Schmoe while you sit there in sorrowfulness. She lives for the good weather, the beach and the celebrity lifestyle. She is one of those women, who care about what you do for a living, and what kind of car you drive. Angel can be very cold-blooded. She is so Hollywood.

Angel’s persona is so unlike Apple’s, yet both of them have a swagger about them that draws me towards them both.See the dilemma is that I have a long history with Angel and I couldn’t let her go even if I tried. I have fully invested the last couple of years of my life to Angel and to just walk away from her would be foolish. Angel accepted me with open arms when I came into her life with a pocket full of dreams. She supported my goals in acting right from the get go. She usually went for men who had their stuff together, but saw huge potential in me, so she took a gamble. For that reason alone, she has my heart, because she accepted me unconditionally when she could have blew me off from the start.

Apple on the other hand, has been one of those women that I have always said was my type. We clicked the first time we laid eyes on each other and ever since then, she has captivated my mind in ways only a person in love can understand. She suits me well in every way. She is very ethnic and her parents are immigrants, so she understands her ancestor’s history and pride very well, plus she has faced tremendous personal tragedy. She supports my passions, but loves the fact that I have a gift for writing. I used to question myself everyday when it came to developing a relationship with her, but like I said before, she has a reputation that is cold, grimy and blunt which I know is over-exaggerated.

Angel and Apple both know what it’s like to go from nothing to something. They know plenty of people that can give me positive recommendations about business. The rich and beautiful just flock to them and that is something that is both intimidating and encouraging. There is never a dull moment in their lives and they are constantly stepping up their game to impress all of those around them, including me.If there were ever a harder choice to make in life, I would like to know what it is. I can’t go wrong with either choice, but my mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. I must go and visit them both, to weigh the pros and cons before I choose who I spend the rest of my life with. It saddens me that I have to choose between the two so quickly, but if I don’t soon, I will lose them both. I hope that both of them, Apple and Angel, understand that I am doing this for the benefit of them and me. I hope that I can mend both my mind and heart into one decision and choose wisely.The worst thing in life is, WHAT IF and I don’t want to look back on life questioning my decision after I decide. Hopefully I will make the right choice. 

      

GOD HELP ME
 
 
 

 

IT

 

In the blink of an eye, IT can make you feel as powerful as a president or as low as a man living on the streets. IT never waits for you, constantly flowing with movement and determination trying to find the next best thing. Once you get a hold of IT, you should never let IT go and should do anything to keep IT. As time passes you by, you begin to underestimate the value that IT has in your life, and you become lethargic in your approach to keep IT. Once you lose IT, you become depressed and sadden by the sudden reality of IT being gone. What are left are bitter memories of good times and joyful moments that turn you into an insomniac. IT never seems to worry about you as much as you should for IT, because IT has options and your value to IT is nothing compared to the value IT holds for you.When IT is fertilized into your life, things grow at a rapid rate and life seems to be much clearer and less stressful on a regular basis. IT can take the ugliest man off the streets and turn him into Brad Pitt or Will Smith in the matter of seconds. IT give’s hope to the hopeless and makes certain people feel as important as Barack Obama. IT is something that is both priceless and expensive. Priceless in a way, that takes something ordinary and turns IT into something that is rare as a unicorn. Expensive in a way, because IT will turn a person who once possessed a caring heart, into a person as heartless as Kanye West smash hit. That IT was designed to protect itself from people who are careless and shallow, but like all things, IT falls into the wrong hands at times.If you are one of the few lucky people on this earth to experience IT, then you are in a rare category of people. Though unselective, IT tends to follow people who have good hearts and great minds, but like I said, IT can land into the wrong hands and become a problematic situation for many because of one foolish mind. IT shows neither feelings nor favoritism. IT just cruises through life stopping at every red light enjoying the moment until it reaches its next destination.

My advice to those who will read this is, enjoy every second that you will have with IT, because IT is not guaranteed to all, and will appear and disappear as quickly as good weather in Minnesota. 

God Bless

My Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,To me you are the light of my world and I’m always on cloud nine when I see your bright face. Even the days you surprise me with your late arrivals, I am always captivated by your beauty. I know for a fact that god specifically created you for my protection. I know that you are a gift to the world and everyone respects your beauty and power. You are magical and provide the much needed warmth that my body and heart needs when I am feeling down. No matter where I am at in the world, you are always there for me most of the time and I’m honored for that specific reason.

So with that description of my love for you, I was flabbergasted the day I woke up and realized you were not there anymore. It was like a burglar coming into my life and stealing my joy. Every day I looked forward to you being there and I always could rely on you, but out of all days, you decided to leave me when I needed you most.I really didn’t value you much until I relocated to be closer to you in Phoenix. You were beyond beautiful when I first met you, but then I took you for granted when I picked up and left to Minneapolis in 2005 to train for basketball. I knew I’d made a horrible decision the first second I landed at MSP airport. I would always think about how other people may be having a great time with you in Phoenix that I couldn’t sleep at night because I missed you so much.

I was so exultant when I moved California to be with you. There were no grudges when it came to the past and you didn’t care about my time in Illinois, Florida, Indiana or Minnesota. You were flawless in your efforts to keep me happy, so that I wouldn’t leave you again and you convinced me. I promised you that I would follow you to the ends of the earth and I did that. I went with you to Australia, I was there for you went you relocated to Miami and then back to Los Angeles. Yes my dear, you have a special place in my heart and I don’t want to lose you. If I was anywhere else, I would be so cold and lonely. You are my never ending sunshine.

My life this week has been miserable with work being more than hectic and some R&R with you was just what I needed. I was going to gather my things and meet you at the beach, so I could stare at your beautiful face under God’s amazing sky, then you decided to go AWOL on me. Where have you gone my love?

Weeks have passed since I last seen and spent time with you and I am worried you are not coming back. If there is anything I did to offend you or make you mad, I apologize. I would get on my knees in front of the whole world to have you back in my life and I am sure they would as well. I remember people telling me once I had you, I would be stupid to lose you or not appreciate you, so I am begging you give me one more chance my love. I just want to bask in the glory of your unconditional beauty. My dear beautiful, SUN. 

Sincerely, 

Will Harris