Tag Archive: isolation


So In Love With A Dead Person

For all that’s beautiful in this world, you are the only person who has brought me comfort in a time of heartache and sadness. When no one even thought to call me on a bad day, you were always there to stroke my ego. The true love that I have for you, is something an honest man like me can’t even put into words. The feelings that I’ve had while you were around, were something that you may feel only your wedding day. My outlook on life with you in it, was something that only a man, who has felt no worry or suffering, can relate to. The times that I felt safe in this cold bitter world, was when you were tattooed all throughout my life. You stayed beautiful even when you started to bare wrinkles and only a fool would foolishly throw away a relationship with you because of your appearance.

 When I first met you, you had that stubborn personality that told me that you only messed with people, who were really about their business, so that made me more determined to achieve more, so that I had a chance to earn quality time with you.  The moment I did, I was in love with everything about you and I never wanted you to leave my side. You were much older than me with way more experience, but you showed me the highs and lows of life and prepared me for the times you might not be around.

Most of my friends said you were fake and plastic with few morals, but I saw way more and ignored their jealous plight. I saw in you, a deep passion and a  love for all people, that was similar to a vet loving pets or a mother nurturing her firstborn. You gave every person the same chance to get acquainted with you and even made the ugliest men feel like King Tut. That right there, showed me from the beginning, that you were rarer than the other loves that I have had in my life up until that point.

You expressed gratitude and praise for the efforts I gave in pursuing you, so in return you gave me a peek inside your fabulous lifestyle. Your lifestyle was way different from the others that I have been with and you shared with me the riches of your life. I felt spoiled and undeserving of such an honor, but I stayed humble and accepted everything you offered with gracious respect for the others who weren’t so lucky.

The moments we shared together were better than having sex after a 2 year celibacy hiatus and the times you were away, were like isolated nights in a freezing desert with no coat or jacket.  I never thought that a person could make my heart feel a certain way just by the mere presence of their shadow.  Your aura could fuel a million cars and provide light to a billion homes. I feel like I lost a part of me once you passed away from my life and I have been searching for the likes of you ever since. They say that time heals all wounds, but I can’t accept the fact that I woke up from a peaceful night of sleep and suddenly you had vanished. It was like a 9.0 earthquake on my life and I have been slowly recovering ever since.

If there was one thing that I could say about you that I never did while you were around, it would be that you were by far the most refreshing person I have ever had in my life. I have never been in love, so I have no clue what that feeling feels like and I have heard that is a way better feeling, but the way you were to me, was like a loyal pet that never left home, so to see you pass away from my life is like a stingray’s tail to the heart. I just hope it’s not permanent and I am able to revive what we once had out of the darkness. If not, I must go on knowing that life with you was great and without you, I must deal with the reality of you not around anymore. For some reason, I just can’t accept that, because I am still in love with a man named Benjamin Franklin.

What If

 

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

A Hibiscus Love

The whispers of your promise float away on a ship that is set to never return. The sunshine appears to fade as the clouds of misery begin to descend upon my heart. What was thought to be true love now appears to be true sadness. The memories of happiness are now frozen in time, with only mental pictures, that now seem like moments that never even happen. Just months ago, our love appeared to be on a journey that had its final destination ending at the gates of eternity. The unconditional nature of our courtship seemed so surreal and now the reality of us not being together is actual pain.

“I once had a recurrent dream where you were an angel and we made love on a cloud outside the gates of heaven. I had not yet proved my worth to enter, so God allowed you to leave to visit me. He understood your love for me so well that he lit the sky perfectly like a big candle and we made love for hours on top of that cloud. Once he summoned for your return, I woke up anxiously waiting to fall back asleep. Each night was the same dream with different scenarios.”

That dream had a drug like effect on my heart and kept me addicted for a long time after you were gone. As fragile as love and life can be, I never looked at our situation in such a short manner. I had no idea that you would be taken away from me so soon, so young and so beautiful. The last words from your mouth were, “I LOVE YOU” and I will never forget them, because you were the only one that has ever actually meant them. You came into my life when I needed you most and you left when I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. My soul appears to be on life support and I am not sure what I am going to do. I just hope that my next dream is one where you bring peace to my heart, so I can once again regain a calmness that you once bestowed on me.

“Our life together seemed to bloom like a Hibiscus flower and fade away just as quickly. You were full of life and love, but you came and went like that beautiful flower that blooms for a day and is gone forever.”

I can never replace what you were and what you stood for, but it is healthy for my soul to do so. I never imagined that I could want to leave this earth to be with you so soon. Life has a funny way of showing you how much it’s in control. When everything appears to be smooth sailing, the sky turns black, the waves get higher and the wind begins to produce a monster hurricane that brings destruction upon your heart. My heart has been shattered into pieces not by disappointment, but by guilt.  The guilt of never really telling you how much I love you while you were here. I took for granted that you would always be around and the moment you wasn’t, my heart began to plunge deep into the ocean of heartbreak.

The impressive physical strength that I possess only makes me feel weaker when I realize it has nothing to do with the strength of the soul. You can’t bench press your heart and a leg press has nothing to do with your spirit.”

As the evening turns to night, I sit on a balcony looking up at the moon wondering if you are on the cloud that once was occupied by my dreams. I wonder if you are up there looking down on me with a smile of promise. A promise of a better tomorrow and an even happier ending. An ending where my dream of making love on a cloud isn’t a dream after all, but a physical reality. A reality where love is not just a thought out process in which hopeless souls day dream, but where hopeless souls find their true counterpart and live a eternal life of joy, honor and commitment that last forever.

“Whether that day appears soon or years later, I will always keep my heart locked away until the day our souls reconnect. You are the one that completed my journey of love and you were taken away too soon, so I am being stubborn with life and shallow to the point of only wanting you to claim what is rightfully yours.”

Will Harris

Talking To Myself

My words seem to be invincible to the one that they are intended for. I wear my feelings on my sleeve which makes me vulnerable to those that can hurt me. I am blessed with honest emotions in which I can show that I care deeply for the one I love, but I feel at times like I am still talking in the mirror. A mirror in which the reflection shows me all alone in a world believing that a word and a feeling still exist in a world that is full of hatred, selfishness, jealousy, greed and materialism. Can she hear me or am I really that invincible to the one that I adore?

At times, you make my life feel as significant as the presidents and other times you make me feel as insignificant as a one dollar bill is to a billionaire. I feel like a lonely ghost pestering your every movement just waiting for you to notice me, but I haven’t seen you take a glimpse in my direction for a while. It is me or am I just that unremarkable to you anymore? Some women are use to the rich, powerful and flashy, when I am only able to offer my true self and that seems not to be good enough for you.

The more I dwell on it, the more I become entrenched in a idea that I may have to be someone other than myself to get what I truly want, but I can’t imagine not being real to myself.Is it worth it?Do I continue to waste all my energy on someone who doesn’t mourn for my attention like I do for theirs? Do I sit and wait for them to notice my existence or do I move on in my search and wait for someone who will be grateful for my heart, commitment, will power and loyalty? Life has always gotten better for those who believed it wouldn’t and love has found those who never even believed in it. Why is that? Death is a guaranteed promised, but love sometimes can make shallow decisions.

 The beautiful people of the world get to choose their fate with love sometimes and the rich can even buy it for a short amount of time, but it seems that the people, who truly deserve it, always get dealt a bad hand by love. It’s like life is our personal blackjack dealer and he is granted a 21 with every hand. He toys with our emotions just to see how we react, lets our confidence get on a hot streak and then all of a sudden here comes blackjack when we decide to bet big or double down on love. Why is that?

That is the million dollar question to an answer that I can’t afford to receive. I guess I will have to wait until my love account has enough sufficient funds in it to finally get that answer. Until then, I choose to stay memorized by the idea of happiness with someone who truly is meant for me. It’s either that or the idea of being with someone who makes me feel like I’m isolated on an island all alone like a castaway and talking to myself

Rather Go Blind

Just the site of your existence paralyzes my every movement. Sudden shifts of your body draws my eyes toward you and moves my soul over a foot. Without words, you make my heart feel like it has entered a nightclub of love through a VIP entrance. Now with these sudden thoughts of losing that feeling I would rather go blind, because the mere thought of not having you makes me not want to live. The moments of my life that seem so perfect have you in them, and I couldn’t stand to try and complete life without you being there to complete me.

You are like my asthma pump and without you there, I can’t breathe easy. You leaving me is like taking all the pure oxygen in my world and leaving me with a toxic filled air to breath. If that is what life has in store for me, I would rather go blind and not be able to see what love truly can be.It’s like you baptized me with a touch of love in which my world became clearer and my heart more pure. It was like my love life was receiving heart surgery and waking up to a new promise, a promise where I held my end of the bargain and showed that I understood what real love was. For all that life has blessed me with; you came into my life as an overpowering challenger to my heart. You easily defeated my worry of trust, loyalty and honesty. You made my heart feel safer than a 20 point lead with two minutes to go in the game and Jordan holding the ball.

To me, you are a goddess and to not have you in my personal heaven, I would rather go blind than to see you leaving me to love someone else.For all its worth, I understand that everything in life happens for a reason, but there is no single reason why my heart could ever love another.  You took my heart when it was homeless and gave it comfort, security and meaning. You allowed my soul to recapture its strength when it was once a defeated victim. For that, I owe you my love and I couldn’t think of loving another, because you are the reason I know what love is. The thoughts of tomorrow and the memories of yesterday allow my mind to stay loyal regardless of temptations. You are my diamond and I am engaged to your love and I would rather go blind if I couldn’t have any of the above.

My Empty Pillow

 

As the cold night shivers my half naked body, I can’t help but notice that something is missing in my life that needs to be there. My life is a constant dream to most, yet I did not seek it. I have everything I could have asked for, but I still feel as poor as a man on the street petitioning for change. I have traveled to the ends of the earth for personal glory, yet I feel as if I have not traveled a mile. I’ve had dinners with celebrities, politicians and other important figures alike, but I feel like I have eaten alone for so many years. I have a plethora of friends who are honest, loyal and dependable, yet I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Something truly is absent in my life, but I can’t understand why.

Night after night I lay in my bed staring at the other side of it, wondering what is to come of the empty pillow that lies next to me. Not knowing if I am ever going to have someone there is the catch-22 that keeps me up at night. For all the beauty and comfort that money brings, I have seen many people go to bed unaccompanied with their own empty pillow beside them. My empty pillow is the most precious thing that I have, because it keeps me mesmerized by the future. Who will she be? What will she look like? Where will she be from? All of those thoughts are nightly routines when I lay alone in my bed.

The older I get, the more anxious I become of the conclusion of that empty pillow. The thought of having the love of my life becoming the rightful owner of that pillow is heaven to me, because I know that is what will make my life whole. Many have tried to lay claim to that empty pillow, but none has captivated my interest long enough to be the one, so now the other side of my bed lays secluded. Isolated from an awkwardness that has been there before, because I knew past counterparts didn’t belong on a pillow that was so divine.

The more I dwell, the more impatient I get, but I refuse to settle even the slightest. It doesn’t matter how stunning or how curvy the rightful owner of my empty pillow may be, it’s how magnificent she will be laying on a pillow that has laid empty for years. My heart and my gut tells me that she is near, so I am preparing my psyche for the one that will claim my lonely heart and lonely pillow, then I finally lay in my bed completely satisfied with life

You Used To Be My Rose

Once upon a time you were my perfectly pick flower, a rose that stood out of a dozen. At first,  you seemed to be like the rest of the bunch when it came to appearance, substance and quality. All were exquisite to me at the time, but you stood out like a unicorn among fine horses, just pure beauty you were. I gravitated towards your essence like a bee to the core of a perfect flower. I was fascinated by your splendor and smell from the beginning, but as I came to know more about you, you taught me that deeply rooted in your DNA, was a bloodline of enthusiasm, grace and positivity that made everyone and everything around you feel enhanced.

“You use to be my rose”

I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Anything I did, you were by my side. You were my support and I was the sunlight you greatly required. My love for you flowed like the water you thirst for. I was your protective vase and I became the essential shade that you needed on a daily basis. You were very distinctive from all of the other flowers that I came across in my life. No matter where I was or who I was with, my mind stayed on you. There was no comparing when it came to comparison; you were the Babe Ruth of flowers.

“You use to be my rose”

Sometimes it feels like I hear your footsteps outside my door, but I shouldn’t think that because you are not mines anymore. You did everything right to keep me and my ambiance beautiful. I became lethargic as you continued to shine through my bullshit, and sooner than later, you finally gave up on me. I don’t blame you though, you deserve someone great. Someone who knows what a perfectly picked flower is. Someone that is gracious enough to sacrifice their own time to make sure you are well taken care of.

“You use to be my rose”

I indeed did what every amateur florist does, and that was taking you for granted. The sunlight I once was, became  dim as a dull light bulb. The water you once thirsted for, became dry as a desert lake. I am without words because I took your innocence and beauty for granted. You were the most loyal thing I could have ever asked for, and I couldn’t provide the simplest attention that you warned for to keep you happy.

I don’t deserve you and I don’t want another chance. All I ask is that you find someone who does. You are too rare to be taken lightly, and your exquisiteness should be in the presence of someone who cherishes such a thing. I know now that you are by far the most precious thing I ever had and it is far, far too late to step up to the plate……

“You use to be my rose, rose, rose”………

“But not anymore”

Through your eyes, you see only a colorful personality that brings joyfulness to the world. You see a comic performer who shows only one sensation, happiness. My outlandish talents has been making others smile & laugh for years with no complaints, while this heavy makeup hasn’t allowed others to see the real me, though I doubt they care. I really wish the people in the world didn’t care only for themselves. (Talking to myself) But it doesn’t matter though. Maybe to them I’m only one thing, a clown, someone put on this earth only to entertain.

I wish they could really see the real me, the person without this colorful lifestyle, the one who behind closed doors is sad & alone, a battered soul who holds back tears of pain and regret. Someone trapped and shielded from the normal world.

For years, I’ve been that person who has brought happiness to other people’s lives, while no one has cared about my own feelings. Sometimes I wonder what regular people would feel like if they were me. How would they feel if their private world was non-existent? Would they be sad like me? Would they wish people cared about their real feelings too? I wonder if they would have the same prospective as me. Would they shed the same tears?

When I look around at all the people watching me perform, I wonder if they recognize my sad clown face as something real. Do they understand that I am alone in this world crying out for help? Only for a day, I wish these people could feel my pain. I wish they could feel the emptiness in my heart. If only for a day, someone could step into my big clown shoes and walk this tight rope which is my life, then they could truly see the world in my eyes. A world that is under a microscope 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no timeouts. I wonder if they could handle it.

I know I was put on this earth to entertain. I am truly happy with the results of my performances and the blessings of my lifestyle. People go home with smiles, memories and stories that will last a lifetime, yet I go home by myself to my big empty house feeling claustrophobic, trapped inside a big bubble that cannot be popped. For years I have felt this way and see no end in sight. I guess I have to take the good with the bad and smile like I have no emotions. Maybe this clown lifestyle is what people really love. Maybe they would see the world much different if they wore this big red nose. Maybe they would appreciate the solitude that they get to enjoy every day, because they don’t have to wear this makeup. Just maybe, for only a day I wish people could be me.

Then they could finally feel Tears of a Clown