Tag Archive: guilt


Envious of my shadow

 

Every now and then I wish I was the shadow of myself, so that I could be one second behind my decisions. I would have the capability to make smarter choices that my actual self couldn’t make. It would be nice to have a second chance at repentance if only I was my shadow.  I believe he gets a rise out of watching me try over and over again at succeeding in this tough world.

My shadow remains unobserved to the world, meanwhile my actual self, has to deal with the contemporary issues that life hands you. I am envious of the quiet lifestyle that my dark shadow possesses, he is so lucky to be without pain, yet he is present for my glorious accomplishments. My shadow is without judgments; he just cruises along being my silent associate never judging my actions.

He is there when I am cheerless, and he is there when I am jovial. It makes me invidious that my shadow has no emotion, but I understand that God has put him there just to be a sidekick. If only for a day I was my shadow, I could actually take pleasure in a bit of the world without interruption. I am envious of him once again, for the precision in which he possesses.

He is the shadowy knight of my life, a cape crusader observing my every move. It is unachievable for me to escape him, so I just deal with him following my every step.

Just once I wish he could be me, and I be my own silhouette, so I could finally see through the eyes of me………… one second behind.

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Bad timing is like a bad dream that never ends. I am sure that most people around the world has a story or two to tell about bad timing affecting their life. To what extent is a mystery all together, but regardless of how bad or good it was, it changes all of our lives. Think about the woman or man that didn’t make it to work on the morning of September 11, 2001 at the world trade center. Or what about the family that didn’t decide to go on vacation to Southeast Asia in 2004, when a tsunami killed 300,000 people on resorts and beaches. The result of bad timing for them was a great outcome, but think about the person that went to work at the world trade center and the family that went on that vacation to Southeast Asia. Regardless of the decision, bad timing has a way of letting you know he is around the corner.

For me, bad timing has been a figure in my life with a kung fu grip. I can remember being ten years old, sneaking into a closed pool with friends and swimming with no lifeguard around. Just me and four other kids having fun. But for me, I wasn’t an excellent swimmer at that time and I was all alone in the pool. The other kids were off in the laundry area trying to break into the vending machines to get snacks.  While in the shallow end of the pool, I started to swim underwater and forgot where I was in the pool and ended up in the deep end. For me, the deep end was no man’s land and I was starting to drown.  I remember like it was yesterday as I continued to struggle to stay above the water, when I felt an arm grab me and pull me out of ten feet of water. It was my friend Nelson, who was wondering where I was and came looking for me. He saved my life. Bad Timing had a good outcome for me that time.

It’s difficult to understand why things turn out bad for some and good for others. Many people turn to God and seek answers, but for me I just take everything with a grain a salt and understand that we all must play the cards we are dealt. Sometimes life deals you a shitty hand and it’s up to you to choose how you respond. I think people forget that in mostly all religions, God rules with an iron fist, but gives all people free will to live the way they want. Free will to live the life you decide and then when and if you face judgment, it’s your life that you chose freely to live that is judged. Similar to the law, you commit a crime, you do the time. But that’s too deep for me even to write about, God and Judgment.

Like I said before, bad timing has a way of showing you who’s in charge. Very cruel and rewarding at times, bad timing will always show you that he exists for better or worse. Think about the girl who decides to lose her virginity to her boyfriend.  She finally gives in to his demands and lets the guy who she loves take the pure essence of her away, but there is a catch and bad timing lets her have it. She gets pregnant the first time she has sex or perhaps she gets herpes or HIV from the boyfriend she thought was honest and loyal to her. That life for you and bad timing rules it.

Another story of mine which has stayed in my head for nine years is the day that changed my life forever.

It was a Sunday in the summer of 2000 and I was a week away from going back to college for my sophomore year. I had spent the summer in Carbondale, Illinois working out with friends. NBA, Overseas and college basketball players spent their summers there working out against the best to improve their games. Me, I was fresh off a successful freshman year in college, where I had ups and downs in college. I didn’t like college and I wanted to leave as soon as possible. My dreams of playing in the NBA were as strong as ever and I had the game to back it. I went hard that summer because I had a feeling that I was leaving the next year, to try pro basketball after only two years of college. My people around me supported the idea and I even got advice from people in the NBA. So my confidence needed no boost, I was on cloud nine. So that Sunday was nothing but a routine workout before I left back to school. I worked out with two guys, Troy Hudson and Rashad Tucker. We shot about 500 hundred shots before calling it a day.

While we were getting ready to leave, Stan Gouard, a former player who played at my university, was on a court playing and they needed one more player to play because a player got hurt. I didn’t want to play, but I was nice enough to say yes. It was a game with no talent or passion, just a bunch of guys trying to play. I shouldn’t have been on the court.  I spent the whole game not doing anything, just trying to get the game over and leave. It was point game when I leaked out for the ball and got it. I was all alone and decided to end the game with a flashy play. A guy came running at me and I then decided to dunk the ball and do with flare. I should have just layed the ball up and the game was over, but no my stupid idea changed my life. I jumped as high as I could and when I mean high, think Lebron James high and I cocked the ball back with one arm and attempted to dunk the ball. When I did this, the guy running towards me, ran under me and undercut me and I flipped. I heard a pop and I knew it wasn’t good. I landed and the first words out of my mouth were, “God Why Me”. I was on the floor crying in pain and my knee was the size of volleyball. I tore my ACL and I went from thinking about the NBA to thinking about rehabbing and sitting out for a whole year.

A routine day in which I was to shoot a few balls, go home and pack for school, turned into a nightmare. But it didn’t crush my spirit. I knew I would play ball again, but I didn’t know if I would ever be the same player again and I wasn’t. While sitting out that year, I had to be away from the team and rehab and attend class. While sitting out with a knee injury, I discovered a passion of mine. Writing. I was just acting silly trying to be creative, when I noticed a creative side. I started to enjoy school for the first time in my life and I ended up getting A’s in my classes. I graduated in three years from college and ended up getting another degree, my final year of basketball.

Without that injury, I wouldn’t have noticed my talent for writing or finished school and I really mean that. So that’s where I give bad timing, thumbs up and I understand his hand in life. He gives and takes away and in that odd way, bad timing blessed me way more than basketball could ever have.

So no matter what is it, losing a parent or friend, getting into a car accident the first week you get the car, missing a party your friends decided to go to without and then tragically dies in a car accident or you running out of gas right in front of the gas station and the guy who helps push the car into the gas turns out to be your soul mate, bad timing is present and always lurking for better or worse.

God Bless

Sir William

 

 

The past is something we should use to pilot our future, not something that should have power over us. When we allow our past to dictate what we do now, we are no longer in control of ourselves.

You will never drive life’s highway without sometimes hitting bumps like regrets and heartache. When you do, it’s easy to get stuck there, gazing back into your rearview mirror at the past like a lost soul. That is the same with relationships and many people tend to let their past dictate their future inevitable missing out on someone great, who didn’t get  a fair chance to prove they weren’t the same guy who treated you like crap.

On the outside, people can appear to be the same sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they are. I have met so many women in my life that have accused me of being like someone they dated, without even letting me have a chance to prove that I was unique in my own way. This did not make me mad or frustrated, it actually turned me off, because here I was, a guy who was genuinely interested in a woman who I wanted to spend time with and she is reminding that I was like a past relationship and it was making it hard for her to really trust me. So I refused to be labeled and I came up with ways for troubled hearts to be mended so they could move on. I wanted to make people understand that pushing a person away is not the answer and it only alienates you from good people who want to see you happy.

For one, holding onto sullenness after someone has hurt you will only continue to hurt you more by poisoning your heart and soul. People need to understand that there is only one antidote to that poison and that is moving on. You have to decide not to allow people who have wronged you to keep controlling your life. You have to remember what people have done to you and never forget, but you must embrace a positive future and think the next person or situation that comes in my life will be positive and not negative. You can’t let the grim past clutch onto your future and stay there like plaque on teeth. You have to cleanse your mind of the unhealthy past and think that what you learned or went through will only make the next relationship or situation better.

Secondly, understanding that it’s healthy to remember your past as long as you’re learning from it and remembering how it can help your future situation for the better. But you must beware of becoming so engrossed with your past that it begins to dictate your present and future. Don’t let your past define you; that’s not healthy for you or the person that you are trying to give your heart to. You have to understand that you’re not a victim of your circumstances and that no one but yourself can tie you to the past; you decide whether or not to move on, not anyone else. Realize that your experiences in life aren’t just for your own benefit – they’re also designed to help other people. You can apply what you’ve learned about moving on to encourage others to do the same. There is nothing better than seeing someone help a person through a tough situation they also went through.

Last but not least, how many times have you heard a person say they don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to get their hurt broken again? While this seems like a reasonable outlook after dealing with such a “controlling, lying, or cheating” partner, it is really just a crutch.

When a person compares everyone in their future with the people of their past who have hurt them, they are voluntarily letting them the control their future as well. They are still attached to them in a way that is even worse than when they were together, because now, it isn’t even a real person who controls them, but a shadow of bad memories. It is up to you as an individual to not let yourself be controlled by your past’s ghost. You must remind yourself that you are not with them for a reason and they didn’t deserve you in the first place. Once you come to embrace that you as a partner deserves to be treated like a king or queen, you will then fully understand that the past is the past and it can’t control the beautiful future that awaits you.

EMBRACE YOUR HAPPINESS

Once upon a time you were my perfectly pick flower, a rose that stood out of a dozen. At first,  you seemed to be like the rest of the bunch when it came to appearance, substance and quality. All were exquisite to me at the time, but you stood out like a unicorn among fine horses, just pure beauty you were. I gravitated towards your essence like a bee to the core of a perfect flower. I was fascinated by your splendor and smell from the beginning, but as I came to know more about you, you taught me that deeply rooted in your DNA, was a bloodline of enthusiasm, grace and positivity that made everyone and everything around you feel enhanced.

“You use to be my rose”

I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. Anything I did, you were by my side. You were my support and I was the sunlight you greatly required. My love for you flowed like the water you thirst for. I was your protective vase and I became the essential shade that you needed on a daily basis. You were very distinctive from all of the other flowers that I came across in my life. No matter where I was or who I was with, my mind stayed on you. There was no comparing when it came to comparison; you were the Babe Ruth of flowers.

“You use to be my rose”

Sometimes it feels like I hear your footsteps outside my door, but I shouldn’t think that because you are not mines anymore. You did everything right to keep me and my ambiance beautiful. I became lethargic as you continued to shine through my bullshit, and sooner than later, you finally gave up on me. I don’t blame you though, you deserve someone great. Someone who knows what a perfectly picked flower is. Someone that is gracious enough to sacrifice their own time to make sure you are well taken care of.

“You use to be my rose”

I indeed did what every amateur florist does, and that was taking you for granted. The sunlight I once was, became  dim as a dull light bulb. The water you once thirsted for, became dry as a desert lake. I am without words because I took your innocence and beauty for granted. You were the most loyal thing I could have ever asked for, and I couldn’t provide the simplest attention that you warned for to keep you happy.

I don’t deserve you and I don’t want another chance. All I ask is that you find someone who does. You are too rare to be taken lightly, and your exquisiteness should be in the presence of someone who cherishes such a thing. I know now that you are by far the most precious thing I ever had and it is far, far too late to step up to the plate……

“You use to be my rose, rose, rose”………

“But not anymore”