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A Letter To You

 

A Letter To You

The smell of winter brings a thought of tomorrow as I ogle towards the future with a boyish grin. The crush I have for the future seems to will itself into my daily thoughts as I realize it is only blocks away. The countless nights of naïve choices have caused me to think of what my future may hold if I continue down this path of self- immolation. For so long, what seemed to be a phantasm in my mind is actually a physical reality that I have mourned for since the first time I realized what LOVE was.

The thought of you releases a heavenly amount of endorphins that only a devilishly vain person can receive from a mirror after a workout in the gym. No amount of time or space can negate the beautiful thoughts of being with you someday. If I appear weak or soft in my thinking, I only want it to be that because I am in love with you. I lay in my bed staring at the flat bedding on the other side of me and cross my fingers in hope of my prayers being answered. The prayers of hope and promise are all I wish to be answered. A promise that allows my soul to prove that I belong in your life. I promised that I would commit myself to anyone who made my soul skip and you have me tripping over my own feet. From the beginning, you have made my confidence feel taller than Yao Ming and your ability to motivate me is like being coached by the likes Vince Lombardi, Phil Jackson or John Wooden.

The trust I provide for your heart will out weigh anyone’s bank account, but my effort to gain financial freedom will be relentless because I want to be able to travel to the moon with you. You can’t put a price tag on love, but I don’t mind going bankrupt with my heart so that I can figure out if this is possible love and not unthoughtful lust. The more I travel through life’s dark tunnel; I learn that we all need someone who has an extra set of batteries just in case our light goes out in the dark. We all bare the seed of foolish pride that tells us that we can do anything alone (which we can), but it is much easier when you have someone in your life with an extra set of batteries just in case your flashlight goes out in life’s caliginous tunnel.

In that case, my need for adoration is similar to a man stranded in the Sahara desert thirsting for water. I am constantly seeking it so that I replenish my soul in order to avoid dehydration. The way you replenished my life was as refreshing as baptism and life seemed more colorful as I walked out of the life’s negative shadow and into the light of  positivity.  In the past, winters have always had the ability to freeze my heart in order to protect my feelings.  I had always shunned away potential dilemmas that had a chance to discourage my beliefs towards love, but you were the fireplace that made me feel warmer towards commitment in a time when the world seemed so frigid.  The world has the ability to make people who are as precious as a rose, turn into Datura’s, but you are beyond a threat to my heart. As I continue to glide through life tough terrain, I ask you to be my eternal co-pilot, so that I feel safe in a time of struggle and blissful even when the clouds are as dark as coal. I have already chosen my partner for life, but the only question I have for her, is has she chosen me?

A Moment With My Conscious

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The Afterlife

As my heart settles into its final resting place, I take the time to reflect on what a joyful life it has been for me up until now. Life has presented me with many obstacles that have allowed me to weave in and out of the path of destruction. I’ve discovered what was good for me and what wasn’t. At times, I felt like I had life figured out and the next thing I know, I was either being fooled or being proven wrong.

No matter how many times I reflect, I can’t help but shed a tear on the reality of life as I know it ending. I’ll take the good and bad of my life any day, but the chance for me to spread my wings and fly with an angel is far better than the life that many enjoy here on earth. The sacrifice that I am making is one where I will be far better in the end. The commitment that I made to the one I love is far more rewarding than a daily routine of figuring out what makes me happy. I am in a place where only people with golden hearts dwell and anyone around me will be consumed by the energy that feeds my heart.

As people begin to fill the church to pay homage to the glorious life that was only the prelude, I wonder do any of these people really care about the outcome that has come about. Do they really feel happy that I have moved on to a better place? Or do they laugh at the death of me, happy as ever to see my soul perish into eternal damnation for the few people of my kind.

For all that is glorious in life, I made a decision that brought an end to my selfish life. Many question the final choice that I decided on that led to my premature death, but I feel confident as ever as my soul and heart turns into a platinum me. The after life will be far more rewarding than the pointless life that I been living for years upon years. The gates of eternity seem far less frightening than what I expected and the stories of bitterness and boredom have been replaced with countless chapters of love that will last forever.

As the people filled the church and took their seats, they were able to witness a man, who started out as a boy, give up his single life for the ultimate luxury, a wife. The days of clubbing have been replaced with priceless nights on the couch, vacations to islands, trips to historic cites and beautiful countries. The one night stand has been replaced with emotional love making and quickies that out weighs any sexual encounter with a person who doesn’t even know my last name. The lonely holidays are filled with laughter, cuddling and smiles as I remember the times where I didn’t even have anyone that I wanted to kiss on new years eve.

As I close the casket on the life that preceded me, I begin to shed a tear staring at the one that I love and will happily marry.  I been a lost boy walking in the fog of isolation and by pure luck, I found the one that I couldn’t go a day without wanting to see. The moments that had me questioning the existence of love are replaced with happiness and newfound purpose, in which I show the ones around me, a man who lived a life of selfishness, foolishness and stupid pride could change and settle down with one person and be happy.

Closing the casket on my single life only means one thing to me and that’s the reality of  being in love with someone and it’s worth every second of the rest of my life.

Love In A Big Blue Ball

 

On this day, the early morning sunrise awakens a lost soul that for some time has felt emptier than a homeless man cup on an average day. The clear blue skies ease my mind as I gaze into the sky searching for a thought or clue to what my life purpose is. My heart sags deep inside my chest hiding from temptation and despair, only while hoping to connect with someone who feels just the same. The true lovers of the earth go through hell before they fine heaven in someone. My personal purgatory has been filled with isolation from those who feel like me. On the outside I appear stronger than titanium, but on the inside I possess a soul that feels like it has been in a 15 round boxing match with Muhammad Ali. For some reason, I was born to love and as I age finer than a bottle of Heidsieck, I begin to realize I am not like everyone else. I notice that my thought process produces magical thoughts of happiness that only appears into love stories or romantic movies from the 50’s like South Pacific and The Quiet Man.

Trying to find love in this big blue ball is the catch 22 that is tattooed on my mind and heart. The mere mentioning of the words Love or Happiness brings a smile to my face that can only be reproduced when I see my mother or grandmother. The future holds a great chapter for me that has yet to take form because everyday I learn something new about myself that wasn’t there the day before. The only thing that I can attest to that will remain with me until the day I return to the dust from which I came, is the purity of my beliefs that love conquers anything. Whether that is money, material, looks or stubborn values, love transcends human nature in a way that is unexplainable just like me being able to go to sleep and wake up everyday. The fact that I am able to write this and be as genuine as a new born baby smile, proves that something greater than me or you created this big blue ball out of some kind of love. I use to wonder if the creator of this world made this big blue ball to prove to some other Godley life form how powerful he or she was. As my mind pauses on that thought, I should point out that the world has been around for billions of years and the fact that it has lasted that long goes to show you how much GOD(whatever name) has for us as a creation.

We all are gods of our own lives and we all have the ability to create something that is as magical as a Harry potter book. I want to produce out of thin air, a courtship in which I take my time to get to know someone and learn to love the things I disagree about that person. I want to be able to look back 20 years from now and smile about the first time I met the women I am still in love with. I want to be able to tell my great grandchildren the story of how I met her and how nervous I was when I proposed. I want to look at our first photo album together and wonder where all those years went. This is the reason why I shall not want or hurry for love, but I will stay as thirsty for it as a runner is for water after completing the Boston marathon. Until then, I will wonder where my thought process will be just a day from now. The one thing that I know for sure like I said before is the heart that is logged into my chest will remain patient for the one who deserves a love that is as rare as a mythical unicorn (they don’t exist).

A Hibiscus Love

The whispers of your promise float away on a ship that is set to never return. The sunshine appears to fade as the clouds of misery begin to descend upon my heart. What was thought to be true love now appears to be true sadness. The memories of happiness are now frozen in time, with only mental pictures, that now seem like moments that never even happen. Just months ago, our love appeared to be on a journey that had its final destination ending at the gates of eternity. The unconditional nature of our courtship seemed so surreal and now the reality of us not being together is actual pain.

“I once had a recurrent dream where you were an angel and we made love on a cloud outside the gates of heaven. I had not yet proved my worth to enter, so God allowed you to leave to visit me. He understood your love for me so well that he lit the sky perfectly like a big candle and we made love for hours on top of that cloud. Once he summoned for your return, I woke up anxiously waiting to fall back asleep. Each night was the same dream with different scenarios.”

That dream had a drug like effect on my heart and kept me addicted for a long time after you were gone. As fragile as love and life can be, I never looked at our situation in such a short manner. I had no idea that you would be taken away from me so soon, so young and so beautiful. The last words from your mouth were, “I LOVE YOU” and I will never forget them, because you were the only one that has ever actually meant them. You came into my life when I needed you most and you left when I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. My soul appears to be on life support and I am not sure what I am going to do. I just hope that my next dream is one where you bring peace to my heart, so I can once again regain a calmness that you once bestowed on me.

“Our life together seemed to bloom like a Hibiscus flower and fade away just as quickly. You were full of life and love, but you came and went like that beautiful flower that blooms for a day and is gone forever.”

I can never replace what you were and what you stood for, but it is healthy for my soul to do so. I never imagined that I could want to leave this earth to be with you so soon. Life has a funny way of showing you how much it’s in control. When everything appears to be smooth sailing, the sky turns black, the waves get higher and the wind begins to produce a monster hurricane that brings destruction upon your heart. My heart has been shattered into pieces not by disappointment, but by guilt.  The guilt of never really telling you how much I love you while you were here. I took for granted that you would always be around and the moment you wasn’t, my heart began to plunge deep into the ocean of heartbreak.

The impressive physical strength that I possess only makes me feel weaker when I realize it has nothing to do with the strength of the soul. You can’t bench press your heart and a leg press has nothing to do with your spirit.”

As the evening turns to night, I sit on a balcony looking up at the moon wondering if you are on the cloud that once was occupied by my dreams. I wonder if you are up there looking down on me with a smile of promise. A promise of a better tomorrow and an even happier ending. An ending where my dream of making love on a cloud isn’t a dream after all, but a physical reality. A reality where love is not just a thought out process in which hopeless souls day dream, but where hopeless souls find their true counterpart and live a eternal life of joy, honor and commitment that last forever.

“Whether that day appears soon or years later, I will always keep my heart locked away until the day our souls reconnect. You are the one that completed my journey of love and you were taken away too soon, so I am being stubborn with life and shallow to the point of only wanting you to claim what is rightfully yours.”

Will Harris

Talking To Myself

My words seem to be invincible to the one that they are intended for. I wear my feelings on my sleeve which makes me vulnerable to those that can hurt me. I am blessed with honest emotions in which I can show that I care deeply for the one I love, but I feel at times like I am still talking in the mirror. A mirror in which the reflection shows me all alone in a world believing that a word and a feeling still exist in a world that is full of hatred, selfishness, jealousy, greed and materialism. Can she hear me or am I really that invincible to the one that I adore?

At times, you make my life feel as significant as the presidents and other times you make me feel as insignificant as a one dollar bill is to a billionaire. I feel like a lonely ghost pestering your every movement just waiting for you to notice me, but I haven’t seen you take a glimpse in my direction for a while. It is me or am I just that unremarkable to you anymore? Some women are use to the rich, powerful and flashy, when I am only able to offer my true self and that seems not to be good enough for you.

The more I dwell on it, the more I become entrenched in a idea that I may have to be someone other than myself to get what I truly want, but I can’t imagine not being real to myself.Is it worth it?Do I continue to waste all my energy on someone who doesn’t mourn for my attention like I do for theirs? Do I sit and wait for them to notice my existence or do I move on in my search and wait for someone who will be grateful for my heart, commitment, will power and loyalty? Life has always gotten better for those who believed it wouldn’t and love has found those who never even believed in it. Why is that? Death is a guaranteed promised, but love sometimes can make shallow decisions.

 The beautiful people of the world get to choose their fate with love sometimes and the rich can even buy it for a short amount of time, but it seems that the people, who truly deserve it, always get dealt a bad hand by love. It’s like life is our personal blackjack dealer and he is granted a 21 with every hand. He toys with our emotions just to see how we react, lets our confidence get on a hot streak and then all of a sudden here comes blackjack when we decide to bet big or double down on love. Why is that?

That is the million dollar question to an answer that I can’t afford to receive. I guess I will have to wait until my love account has enough sufficient funds in it to finally get that answer. Until then, I choose to stay memorized by the idea of happiness with someone who truly is meant for me. It’s either that or the idea of being with someone who makes me feel like I’m isolated on an island all alone like a castaway and talking to myself

Rather Go Blind

Just the site of your existence paralyzes my every movement. Sudden shifts of your body draws my eyes toward you and moves my soul over a foot. Without words, you make my heart feel like it has entered a nightclub of love through a VIP entrance. Now with these sudden thoughts of losing that feeling I would rather go blind, because the mere thought of not having you makes me not want to live. The moments of my life that seem so perfect have you in them, and I couldn’t stand to try and complete life without you being there to complete me.

You are like my asthma pump and without you there, I can’t breathe easy. You leaving me is like taking all the pure oxygen in my world and leaving me with a toxic filled air to breath. If that is what life has in store for me, I would rather go blind and not be able to see what love truly can be.It’s like you baptized me with a touch of love in which my world became clearer and my heart more pure. It was like my love life was receiving heart surgery and waking up to a new promise, a promise where I held my end of the bargain and showed that I understood what real love was. For all that life has blessed me with; you came into my life as an overpowering challenger to my heart. You easily defeated my worry of trust, loyalty and honesty. You made my heart feel safer than a 20 point lead with two minutes to go in the game and Jordan holding the ball.

To me, you are a goddess and to not have you in my personal heaven, I would rather go blind than to see you leaving me to love someone else.For all its worth, I understand that everything in life happens for a reason, but there is no single reason why my heart could ever love another.  You took my heart when it was homeless and gave it comfort, security and meaning. You allowed my soul to recapture its strength when it was once a defeated victim. For that, I owe you my love and I couldn’t think of loving another, because you are the reason I know what love is. The thoughts of tomorrow and the memories of yesterday allow my mind to stay loyal regardless of temptations. You are my diamond and I am engaged to your love and I would rather go blind if I couldn’t have any of the above.

The Distance Between Us

The distance between us keeps my heart trapped in a steel cage away from personal ecstasy. It’s like my feelings for you are in solitary confinement with no chance of getting out. The more I think of you, the worse it gets, because I know that the chance of being with you is highly unlikely. We live in two different worlds, with two different agendas, but yet we seek the same thing. Why is it so hard for us to be together?

Each night as I prepare for bed, I think of us having his and hers sinks, brushing our teeth together, so jolly as the day ends. The thought of us doing that simple feat paralyzes my heart, because I know if that were real, I wouldn’t be writing this. It’s like you are a dream that I never want to wake from, because once I do the nightmare begins. A nightmare in which, a reality of not being with you exist. What do I do precious love? They say love can make anything work, but I have yet to see proof of that.

As special as you are to the world, I couldn’t fathom enough egocentricity to hope that you stayed alone. It would be evil of me to not allow love to flood your life just because I am not in it. You deserve all that God has planned for you, and if I am not in the scenario, so be it. I am completely blissful with seeing you happy. You are like an angel touring the earth, and deserve to experience love as powerful as a mother has for her first child

The only thing I ask of you beautiful one, is that you keep me in your thoughts, and never forget how much love I have for you regardless of the distance. Just the thought of you completes my day and the thought of having you in my life energizes my soul. The hope of our love becoming a reality makes the thousand miles between us seem like city blocks. My feelings for you are so strong that I feel like I could walk those miles without getting a single blister.

So remember this message my love, because it is being written from the heart and no one can forge what the heart speaks. My heart is speaking directly to you and trying to connect with your soul, so let me in and don’t be afraid, because your fears are my fears. The fear of regret lays dormant in my thoughts and I wouldn’t ever forgive myself if I didn’t tell you how I really felt. So this is me telling you now.

You make your move.

 

Love,

Will Harris

 

 

 

 

 

My Empty Pillow

 

As the cold night shivers my half naked body, I can’t help but notice that something is missing in my life that needs to be there. My life is a constant dream to most, yet I did not seek it. I have everything I could have asked for, but I still feel as poor as a man on the street petitioning for change. I have traveled to the ends of the earth for personal glory, yet I feel as if I have not traveled a mile. I’ve had dinners with celebrities, politicians and other important figures alike, but I feel like I have eaten alone for so many years. I have a plethora of friends who are honest, loyal and dependable, yet I feel like I can’t talk to anyone anymore. Something truly is absent in my life, but I can’t understand why.

Night after night I lay in my bed staring at the other side of it, wondering what is to come of the empty pillow that lies next to me. Not knowing if I am ever going to have someone there is the catch-22 that keeps me up at night. For all the beauty and comfort that money brings, I have seen many people go to bed unaccompanied with their own empty pillow beside them. My empty pillow is the most precious thing that I have, because it keeps me mesmerized by the future. Who will she be? What will she look like? Where will she be from? All of those thoughts are nightly routines when I lay alone in my bed.

The older I get, the more anxious I become of the conclusion of that empty pillow. The thought of having the love of my life becoming the rightful owner of that pillow is heaven to me, because I know that is what will make my life whole. Many have tried to lay claim to that empty pillow, but none has captivated my interest long enough to be the one, so now the other side of my bed lays secluded. Isolated from an awkwardness that has been there before, because I knew past counterparts didn’t belong on a pillow that was so divine.

The more I dwell, the more impatient I get, but I refuse to settle even the slightest. It doesn’t matter how stunning or how curvy the rightful owner of my empty pillow may be, it’s how magnificent she will be laying on a pillow that has laid empty for years. My heart and my gut tells me that she is near, so I am preparing my psyche for the one that will claim my lonely heart and lonely pillow, then I finally lay in my bed completely satisfied with life

 

“For everything I been through in life, I never imagined it would be so hard to choose between the two. One has my mind, while the other has my heart. I never thought it was possible to fall in love with two women at the same time, but I have fallen victim to that scenario“.

Apple, a girl from the east coast has my MIND. She is beautiful, bright, with a large personality that intimidates most men. She is a woman of seasons and her frame of mind changes with the weather. She is one of a kind, and has no problem voicing her opinion with her blunt attitude. If you take her for granted, she will eat you alive and spit you out without a thought of sympathy. Men like me come a dime a dozen to her, so my mind-set and charisma is nothing she hasn’t seen. You have to actually work for Apple’s affection, but once you gain it, she is as devoted to you as a dog is to its owner. She is also an insomniac like me, so we are always up doing stuff. She NEVER sleeps.

Angel, a west coast girl, on the other hand has my HEART. She is a pretty Madonna that loves to be catered to and is very materialistic. If you not about your business, you don’t stand a chance in hell to keep her attention. She is so fast paced and will just move on to the next Joe Schmoe while you sit there in sorrowfulness. She lives for the good weather, the beach and the celebrity lifestyle. She is one of those women, who care about what you do for a living, and what kind of car you drive. Angel can be very cold-blooded. She is so Hollywood.

Angel’s persona is so unlike Apple’s, yet both of them have a swagger about them that draws me towards them both.See the dilemma is that I have a long history with Angel and I couldn’t let her go even if I tried. I have fully invested the last couple of years of my life to Angel and to just walk away from her would be foolish. Angel accepted me with open arms when I came into her life with a pocket full of dreams. She supported my goals in acting right from the get go. She usually went for men who had their stuff together, but saw huge potential in me, so she took a gamble. For that reason alone, she has my heart, because she accepted me unconditionally when she could have blew me off from the start.

Apple on the other hand, has been one of those women that I have always said was my type. We clicked the first time we laid eyes on each other and ever since then, she has captivated my mind in ways only a person in love can understand. She suits me well in every way. She is very ethnic and her parents are immigrants, so she understands her ancestor’s history and pride very well, plus she has faced tremendous personal tragedy. She supports my passions, but loves the fact that I have a gift for writing. I used to question myself everyday when it came to developing a relationship with her, but like I said before, she has a reputation that is cold, grimy and blunt which I know is over-exaggerated.

Angel and Apple both know what it’s like to go from nothing to something. They know plenty of people that can give me positive recommendations about business. The rich and beautiful just flock to them and that is something that is both intimidating and encouraging. There is never a dull moment in their lives and they are constantly stepping up their game to impress all of those around them, including me.If there were ever a harder choice to make in life, I would like to know what it is. I can’t go wrong with either choice, but my mind is telling me one thing and my heart is telling me another. I must go and visit them both, to weigh the pros and cons before I choose who I spend the rest of my life with. It saddens me that I have to choose between the two so quickly, but if I don’t soon, I will lose them both. I hope that both of them, Apple and Angel, understand that I am doing this for the benefit of them and me. I hope that I can mend both my mind and heart into one decision and choose wisely.The worst thing in life is, WHAT IF and I don’t want to look back on life questioning my decision after I decide. Hopefully I will make the right choice. 

      

GOD HELP ME