Through your eyes, you see only a colorful personality that brings joyfulness to the world. You see a comic performer who shows only one sensation, happiness. My outlandish talents has been making others smile & laugh for years with no complaints, while this heavy makeup hasn’t allowed others to see the real me, though I doubt they care. I really wish the people in the world didn’t care only for themselves. (Talking to myself) But it doesn’t matter though. Maybe to them I’m only one thing, a clown, someone put on this earth only to entertain.

I wish they could really see the real me, the person without this colorful lifestyle, the one who behind closed doors is sad & alone, a battered soul who holds back tears of pain and regret. Someone trapped and shielded from the normal world.

For years, I’ve been that person who has brought happiness to other people’s lives, while no one has cared about my own feelings. Sometimes I wonder what regular people would feel like if they were me. How would they feel if their private world was non-existent? Would they be sad like me? Would they wish people cared about their real feelings too? I wonder if they would have the same prospective as me. Would they shed the same tears?

When I look around at all the people watching me perform, I wonder if they recognize my sad clown face as something real. Do they understand that I am alone in this world crying out for help? Only for a day, I wish these people could feel my pain. I wish they could feel the emptiness in my heart. If only for a day, someone could step into my big clown shoes and walk this tight rope which is my life, then they could truly see the world in my eyes. A world that is under a microscope 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with no timeouts. I wonder if they could handle it.

I know I was put on this earth to entertain. I am truly happy with the results of my performances and the blessings of my lifestyle. People go home with smiles, memories and stories that will last a lifetime, yet I go home by myself to my big empty house feeling claustrophobic, trapped inside a big bubble that cannot be popped. For years I have felt this way and see no end in sight. I guess I have to take the good with the bad and smile like I have no emotions. Maybe this clown lifestyle is what people really love. Maybe they would see the world much different if they wore this big red nose. Maybe they would appreciate the solitude that they get to enjoy every day, because they don’t have to wear this makeup. Just maybe, for only a day I wish people could be me.

Then they could finally feel Tears of a Clown

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