As the new born morning flirts with my soul, I gaze out of my bedroom window staring at nothing, but thinking about everything. My thoughts are steadily on a drug addict like high without the use of any narcotics, but the pressures of the day still makes me want to sink back into the bed and curl up like a little child who still thinks the boogeyman exist. The possibility of tomorrow however lift my spirit and awakens my ego, so I still get up like a defeated boxer who has just lost his belt, just as my curtains are also defeated by the suns Mike Tyson like aura.

For years, I have been the villain of my life when it came to stability, responsibility and direction, but now I feel content like I am under a spell by goddess, who has imprisoned my heart. With no way to free myself from this self-guided purgatory, I allow my soul to surrender to this inescapable power that caresses my fears, befriends my dreams and makes love to my heart.

Everywhere around us is the beauty of Mother Nature and God’s wonderful artistry. The oceans, mountains, clouds and rain forests of the world are a small spec in comparison to God’s ultimate creation, which is the pure heart. The pure heart that “he who is the most high” created, blesses only a select few to be able to coddle a soul like a mother to her first born or a father to his first son.

You make me feel safe in a world that possesses the security codes to my worst fears and you make me feel wonderful in a time where I should feel saddened by the irresponsibility of our generation. You bring the possibility of change to my heart more than any president could and you continue to make good on your promise as quickly as a Las Vegas casino does by taking your pride and money.

The most beautiful things in life sometime come from life’s fertilizer and you have gladly taken my shit and painted a wonderful mosaic picture in my mind when it comes to my life, your heart and our future. Waiting to see you makes hours seem like years, minutes go by like months and seconds feel like weeks.

 In the blink of an eye, you could be gone, I could botch our future like a field goal holder during the super o or our love could just fade away from our hearts just as quickly as a tsunami washes away homes. For the first time in my life I am not afraid. I finally feel peace and the winds of doubt are silenced by the beauty in your eyes and assurance in your actions. You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might just get what you need and in this case, I got both. You are what I have wanted ever since I knew what love was, a real life fantasy with no popcorn, candy or ending credits.

Be my Rose Dewitt Bukater and I will promise to be your Jack Dawson and protect your heart from drowning in pain.  I will never let go even if my physical body is taken from this earth. The valuable moments that we all have in life should be shared with someone special and fortunately I found a locksmith that made a key that can never be replaced and it belongs to you my love.

Never change who you are, because I finally found someone who motivates me to be better in a world that forces you to give up. The only thing I can promise you that is more valuable than money, material and other shallow things is the fact that I intend to suffer for your happiness and our future.

I am all yours!!!

For what it’s worth, life is full of unexpected twists and turns that keep you in engaged for the most part. Who would have thought that a little thing could lead into something that has my mind totally lost in a dark labyrinth with no flashlight? The feelings that have suddenly developed are sort of like a blindsided punch from Mike Tyson and the fact that it was so out of left field makes it harder to recover from. It’s like you intruded my heart with 10,000 Trojan soldiers and took over my mind with calculated decisions. Is this a dream or is this what love actually feels like? I have always heard that love is sickening and hurtful to the point where you actually begin to love the pain. I am starting to see clearly through the dark fog, which is my prideful mind and understand that love is beyond powerful.

The fact that I stare into another woman eyes and still think about you, is why I have decided to accept that fact that I finally love something. All my life, it has been about me and no one else, but I can finally see myself giving up a plethora of things to have you in my life. The decision has made many around me jealous and frustrated, but there is only room for one heart in my chest and I decided that it belongs to you. For years, I have traveled the world in a nomadic  state searching for something or someone, who would give me motivation to change my selfish ways and you are the only one who challenged me to change and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

You threaten to leave and never talk to me again, but the love that you had for me, made you give me chance after chance even though you should have walked away a long time ago. You told me that there were many people, who put in the time and effort to earn your affection and were not unappreciative of your worth. When the door was beginning to close, I finally decided to stand up and pull you back into my life. If I was in a hospital bed, my vitals at the time would have been lifeless and my dialysis may have shown a flat line. I don’t know what it was or when it happened, but all of sudden the sun felt like it was on my face and I finally felt the heat to open my lazy mouth and say the words that most men are afraid to say, which is LOSING. I had lost you and you helped me realized that my shit does stink and if I wanted something I would have to work at it and not be spoon fed it.

 On that note, I want to whisper just a few words to you that mean the world to me and show you that I do care. “I Love You”. You can take that any way you want it, but the fact that I was strong enough to say those words out of my mouth at this present time, shows that I have come a long way from where I just was. This LOVE MIGRAINE that I have is painful, but needed like a crutch to a man with a broken leg to see that I have something to live for. I finally removed the clothing of my body to reveal my ET like chest and show you that I have a heart embedded in my body just like everyone else, but it took me seeing you walking out of my life to realize it.

 I will never let you down again.

For all that’s beautiful in this world, you are the only person who has brought me comfort in a time of heartache and sadness. When no one even thought to call me on a bad day, you were always there to stroke my ego. The true love that I have for you, is something an honest man like me can’t even put into words. The feelings that I’ve had while you were around, were something that you may feel only your wedding day. My outlook on life with you in it, was something that only a man, who has felt no worry or suffering, can relate to. The times that I felt safe in this cold bitter world, was when you were tattooed all throughout my life. You stayed beautiful even when you started to bare wrinkles and only a fool would foolishly throw away a relationship with you because of your appearance.

 When I first met you, you had that stubborn personality that told me that you only messed with people, who were really about their business, so that made me more determined to achieve more, so that I had a chance to earn quality time with you.  The moment I did, I was in love with everything about you and I never wanted you to leave my side. You were much older than me with way more experience, but you showed me the highs and lows of life and prepared me for the times you might not be around.

Most of my friends said you were fake and plastic with few morals, but I saw way more and ignored their jealous plight. I saw in you, a deep passion and a  love for all people, that was similar to a vet loving pets or a mother nurturing her firstborn. You gave every person the same chance to get acquainted with you and even made the ugliest men feel like King Tut. That right there, showed me from the beginning, that you were rarer than the other loves that I have had in my life up until that point.

You expressed gratitude and praise for the efforts I gave in pursuing you, so in return you gave me a peek inside your fabulous lifestyle. Your lifestyle was way different from the others that I have been with and you shared with me the riches of your life. I felt spoiled and undeserving of such an honor, but I stayed humble and accepted everything you offered with gracious respect for the others who weren’t so lucky.

The moments we shared together were better than having sex after a 2 year celibacy hiatus and the times you were away, were like isolated nights in a freezing desert with no coat or jacket.  I never thought that a person could make my heart feel a certain way just by the mere presence of their shadow.  Your aura could fuel a million cars and provide light to a billion homes. I feel like I lost a part of me once you passed away from my life and I have been searching for the likes of you ever since. They say that time heals all wounds, but I can’t accept the fact that I woke up from a peaceful night of sleep and suddenly you had vanished. It was like a 9.0 earthquake on my life and I have been slowly recovering ever since.

If there was one thing that I could say about you that I never did while you were around, it would be that you were by far the most refreshing person I have ever had in my life. I have never been in love, so I have no clue what that feeling feels like and I have heard that is a way better feeling, but the way you were to me, was like a loyal pet that never left home, so to see you pass away from my life is like a stingray’s tail to the heart. I just hope it’s not permanent and I am able to revive what we once had out of the darkness. If not, I must go on knowing that life with you was great and without you, I must deal with the reality of you not around anymore. For some reason, I just can’t accept that, because I am still in love with a man named Benjamin Franklin.

Who would have thought that life’s most cherishing gift would be as hard to solve as Sudoku? The puzzle of love has kept me awake for more nights than a graveyard shift security officer. The lost sleep seems to only fuel the fire of my thoughts, in which I seek for answers to life’s most rewarding feeling. Sometimes it seems like my mind and heart are in two different time zones, which only creates confusion when it comes to understanding that the person I have wanted for so long, may be right in my face and I never even knew it.

The worst thing that a person could say is WHAT IF?  The feeling of wondering what could have been only adds to the misery of lost promise. If you ever were unfortunate enough to be in that situation, then you will understand where I am coming from, because it is like a never ending migraine on your heart. Regardless of the future, in which love may bloom in your heart on a daily basis, the ONE that got away may never escape the prison of your mind. It’s that ONE person that got away, that will haunt the dreams of your heart for eternity like a nightmare on elm street movie. 

So with that understood, I must finally muster enough courage to tell the ONE that she is what makes my world complete. She is the ONE, who possesses the kerosene that lights the fire in my belly and warms my heart. Without her, life would go on as normal, but with her, life would be as magical as meteor shower across a perfectly clear sky. Her smile awakens my soul and her touch matures my spirit. The sight of her causes my vision to blur others out, as her voice constantly interrupts my daily thoughts. She defines a queen and commands my full attention as if she was mightier than Alexander the Great himself.

For so long, I have traveled life’s unforgiving road of heartbreak and disappointment and I finally found the person who was the missing piece of my puzzle. To throw that away would sillier than a Charlie Sheen interview. Things can go from great to worst in a nanosecond and before you know it, that person that could have been the ONE,  has slipped out the back door of your heart and you never saw them leave. There is no time to be afraid of looking weak when it comes to telling the ONE that keeps you and your heart up at night, that you want them in your life. There should never be a muzzle on your heart, so the key is to tell that ONE person before it’s too late and they have left out the back door of your heart and didn’t even close the door.

A Letter To You

The smell of winter brings a thought of tomorrow as I ogle towards the future with a boyish grin. The crush I have for the future seems to will itself into my daily thoughts as I realize it is only blocks away. The countless nights of naïve choices have caused me to think of what my future may hold if I continue down this path of self- immolation. For so long, what seemed to be a phantasm in my mind is actually a physical reality that I have mourned for since the first time I realized what LOVE was.

The thought of you releases a heavenly amount of endorphins that only a devilishly vain person can receive from a mirror after a workout in the gym. No amount of time or space can negate the beautiful thoughts of being with you someday. If I appear weak or soft in my thinking, I only want it to be that because I am in love with you. I lay in my bed staring at the flat bedding on the other side of me and cross my fingers in hope of my prayers being answered. The prayers of hope and promise are all I wish to be answered. A promise that allows my soul to prove that I belong in your life. I promised that I would commit myself to anyone who made my soul skip and you have me tripping over my own feet. From the beginning, you have made my confidence feel taller than Yao Ming and your ability to motivate me is like being coached by the likes Vince Lombardi, Phil Jackson or John Wooden.

The trust I provide for your heart will out weigh anyone’s bank account, but my effort to gain financial freedom will be relentless because I want to be able to travel to the moon with you. You can’t put a price tag on love, but I don’t mind going bankrupt with my heart so that I can figure out if this is possible love and not unthoughtful lust. The more I travel through life’s dark tunnel; I learn that we all need someone who has an extra set of batteries just in case our light goes out in the dark. We all bare the seed of foolish pride that tells us that we can do anything alone (which we can), but it is much easier when you have someone in your life with an extra set of batteries just in case your flashlight goes out in life’s caliginous tunnel.

In that case, my need for adoration is similar to a man stranded in the Sahara desert thirsting for water. I am constantly seeking it so that I replenish my soul in order to avoid dehydration. The way you replenished my life was as refreshing as baptism and life seemed more colorful as I walked out of the life’s negative shadow and into the light of  positivity.  In the past, winters have always had the ability to freeze my heart in order to protect my feelings.  I had always shunned away potential dilemmas that had a chance to discourage my beliefs towards love, but you were the fireplace that made me feel warmer towards commitment in a time when the world seemed so frigid.  The world has the ability to make people who are as precious as a rose, turn into Datura’s, but you are beyond a threat to my heart. As I continue to glide through life tough terrain, I ask you to be my eternal co-pilot, so that I feel safe in a time of struggle and blissful even when the clouds are as dark as coal. I have already chosen my partner for life, but the only question I have for her, is has she chosen me?

Standing there looking at you makes me wonder where did all those years go. It’s been a very long time since I showed any appreciation towards another, but the reality that I’m going to be stuck with you for a lifetime isn’t a burden at all. I am astonished at the way life has moved me along at a sonic like pace, allowing only a few episodes to catch my breath. For what its worth, I have taken numerous Manny Pacquiao like upper cuts and jabs from life and never once had a thought of retreating. I just swallowed the misery and pain that life can show you and digested it with confidence. The fact that life has tried to schoolyard bully me and failed miserably, is the key component in why I look at the future with a cocky grin. It is easy to smile when you have fresh batteries in the back of life, but as soon as the batteries start to not hold a charge, people tend to give up at the first sign of trouble.

From the moment I met you, that was never my concern. You showed me that you would not leave my side no matter what outcome life handed us and that simple fact alone, allowed me to bravely face any goliath like task that life could put in my way. I have been known to juggle my future better than most circus clowns at times, but sometimes I end up feeling lonelier than a man, who gambled his life away in Vegas at  four am in a casino. I have always carried around my future in one basket not being afraid of losing everything, thats foolish pride. With the hope of winning everything, I have taken chances only a man with fixed dice would have taken. The plethora of failures have not discouraged me from appreciating the few successes I’ve been blessed to have. The hope of tomorrow moves me along like a “smooth” current flowing in the Mississippi and confidence remains as cool as a polar bear’s toe nails.

The first time I actually noticed you, I saw deeply embedded in your soul was a love that was protected by a thick vine to keep intruders out of your heart. I studied your every move and ended up convincing you that fear was like a boogeyman and we all know he doesn’t exist. The more I stroked your ego, the more you began to open up, not just to me, but to people who you once avoided.  You began to enforce your inner will and rejected any interruption that would jeopardize my future. For that, I am humbled by your presence and understand that you came into my life at the right. You saw that I began to become weak in my thinking and you began to work my mind harder than an old slave in old cotton fields. The times when i began to move like a sloth, you gave me a look only a mother could give to her child. You continuously reminded me of the Grandmother, who sacrificed her older years to raise me when she should have been retired and relaxing amongst her peers. You reminded me of the young woman, who decided to keep her pregnancy a secret in order to avoid possible abortion that wouldn’t have let me write this piece. Those reminders give me the energy to push through the tunnel of shit and wasted time like Andy Dufran did in Shawshank Redemption. These are just a few of the things you do to keep me balanced and happy even when life doesn’t seem so. I am honored that you are in my life and the only thing “I wonder”  is what took you so long?

Thank you, conscious

As my heart settles into its final resting place, I take the time to reflect on what a joyful life it has been for me up until now. Life has presented me with many obstacles that have allowed me to weave in and out of the path of destruction. I’ve discovered what was good for me and what wasn’t. At times, I felt like I had life figured out and the next thing I know, I was either being fooled or being proven wrong.

No matter how many times I reflect, I can’t help but shed a tear on the reality of life as I know it ending. I’ll take the good and bad of my life any day, but the chance for me to spread my wings and fly with an angel is far better than the life that many enjoy here on earth. The sacrifice that I am making is one where I will be far better in the end. The commitment that I made to the one I love is far more rewarding than a daily routine of figuring out what makes me happy. I am in a place where only people with golden hearts dwell and anyone around me will be consumed by the energy that feeds my heart.

As people begin to fill the church to pay homage to the glorious life that was only the prelude, I wonder do any of these people really care about the outcome that has come about. Do they really feel happy that I have moved on to a better place? Or do they laugh at the death of me, happy as ever to see my soul perish into eternal damnation for the few people of my kind.

For all that is glorious in life, I made a decision that brought an end to my selfish life. Many question the final choice that I decided on that led to my premature death, but I feel confident as ever as my soul and heart turns into a platinum me. The after life will be far more rewarding than the pointless life that I been living for years upon years. The gates of eternity seem far less frightening than what I expected and the stories of bitterness and boredom have been replaced with countless chapters of love that will last forever.

As the people filled the church and took their seats, they were able to witness a man, who started out as a boy, give up his single life for the ultimate luxury, a wife. The days of clubbing have been replaced with priceless nights on the couch, vacations to islands, trips to historic cites and beautiful countries. The one night stand has been replaced with emotional love making and quickies that out weighs any sexual encounter with a person who doesn’t even know my last name. The lonely holidays are filled with laughter, cuddling and smiles as I remember the times where I didn’t even have anyone that I wanted to kiss on new years eve.

As I close the casket on the life that preceded me, I begin to shed a tear staring at the one that I love and will happily marry.  I been a lost boy walking in the fog of isolation and by pure luck, I found the one that I couldn’t go a day without wanting to see. The moments that had me questioning the existence of love are replaced with happiness and newfound purpose, in which I show the ones around me, a man who lived a life of selfishness, foolishness and stupid pride could change and settle down with one person and be happy.

Closing the casket on my single life only means one thing to me and that’s the reality of  being in love with someone and it’s worth every second of the rest of my life.

On this day, the early morning sunrise awakens a lost soul that for some time has felt emptier than a homeless man cup on an average day. The clear blue skies ease my mind as I gaze into the sky searching for a thought or clue to what my life purpose is. My heart sags deep inside my chest hiding from temptation and despair, only while hoping to connect with someone who feels just the same. The true lovers of the earth go through hell before they fine heaven in someone. My personal purgatory has been filled with isolation from those who feel like me. On the outside I appear stronger than titanium, but on the inside I possess a soul that feels like it has been in a 15 round boxing match with Muhammad Ali. For some reason, I was born to love and as I age finer than a bottle of Heidsieck, I begin to realize I am not like everyone else. I notice that my thought process produces magical thoughts of happiness that only appears into love stories or romantic movies from the 50’s like South Pacific and The Quiet Man.

Trying to find love in this big blue ball is the catch 22 that is tattooed on my mind and heart. The mere mentioning of the words Love or Happiness brings a smile to my face that can only be reproduced when I see my mother or grandmother. The future holds a great chapter for me that has yet to take form because everyday I learn something new about myself that wasn’t there the day before. The only thing that I can attest to that will remain with me until the day I return to the dust from which I came, is the purity of my beliefs that love conquers anything. Whether that is money, material, looks or stubborn values, love transcends human nature in a way that is unexplainable just like me being able to go to sleep and wake up everyday. The fact that I am able to write this and be as genuine as a new born baby smile, proves that something greater than me or you created this big blue ball out of some kind of love. I use to wonder if the creator of this world made this big blue ball to prove to some other Godley life form how powerful he or she was. As my mind pauses on that thought, I should point out that the world has been around for billions of years and the fact that it has lasted that long goes to show you how much GOD(whatever name) has for us as a creation.

We all are gods of our own lives and we all have the ability to create something that is as magical as a Harry potter book. I want to produce out of thin air, a courtship in which I take my time to get to know someone and learn to love the things I disagree about that person. I want to be able to look back 20 years from now and smile about the first time I met the women I am still in love with. I want to be able to tell my great grandchildren the story of how I met her and how nervous I was when I proposed. I want to look at our first photo album together and wonder where all those years went. This is the reason why I shall not want or hurry for love, but I will stay as thirsty for it as a runner is for water after completing the Boston marathon. Until then, I will wonder where my thought process will be just a day from now. The one thing that I know for sure like I said before is the heart that is logged into my chest will remain patient for the one who deserves a love that is as rare as a mythical unicorn (they don’t exist).

As I look down at my feet in the sand of the beautiful Atlantic, I see the footprints of those who have led the way for me to succeed. I see the men and women, who were brought over here in cargo ships and sold off as slaves to build a nation which doesn’t appreciate us or our history. I continue to walk and I see the footprints of young men and women, who bravely sat in restaurants they couldn’t eat in and be hauled off to jail, just because they wanted equal rights. I notice footprints of a young preacher from Atlanta, who had the courage to die for what he believed in, which was a dream that America was a nation for all people to get along and prosper and not be judged based off the color of their skin. I see the footprints of an ex-black Muslim leader (born on the same day as me), who was killed because he disagreed with the teachings of his people, who were morally corrupt and hypocritical of the things they preached. I stumble over the footprints of a president, who was assassinated, because he freed a race of people and believed that the nation was better off with all people of all colors having equal rights. I then see the footprints of another president that my people finally believed in, but was assassinated, because some people in this country didn’t believe he had their best interest in hand.

As I begin to walk down the beach, I see countless more footprints of people, who have paved the way for my country and my people to prosper and succeed in a place which is thought to be free. The farther I get down the beach, the fewer footprints I start to see in the sand. The footprints become almost as invisible as oxygen is to the human eye, and I begin to realize that my generation and the one before it, has done nothing to guide the future generations to come. The accountability in responsibility has faded away like letters drawn in the sand on the shore of an ocean. People have stopped appreciating history and have begun to ignore and forget what made this country special. They say the more you dig for something, the more the truth comes out and I believe my generation is too selfish to appreciate our nation’s history and too close minded to accept the truth. On both sides of the fence, people have shunned away the past with little respect and care of what our future generations will learn. I think it is our duty as a country, to teach the young kids of all ethnic backgrounds the truth and the proper history of a nation that has shed lots of blood and tears to get to where we’re at.

As the footprints slowly disappear, I put my feet in the sand and begin to walk a path of honor, respect and love for those who have died for my freedom and my ability to live a life, where I am free to choose. I see new footprints of a senator from Illinois, who gives hope and courage to a nation that desperately, needs change. While we wait to see where his footprints go, I casually walk along the path of all those footprints and begin to plant my feet in US history. I can only hope that the future people of this country can look at my life, as one that can be taught and appreciated for what I have done to help my people and my country. There are far too many people who are only concerned for their own well being and it has to stop. I am someone who wants an abundance of power, so that I can use my fame, morals and brains to steer a new generation in the right direction.

GOD BLESS

The whispers of your promise float away on a ship that is set to never return. The sunshine appears to fade as the clouds of misery begin to descend upon my heart. What was thought to be true love now appears to be true sadness. The memories of happiness are now frozen in time, with only mental pictures, that now seem like moments that never even happen. Just months ago, our love appeared to be on a journey that had its final destination ending at the gates of eternity. The unconditional nature of our courtship seemed so surreal and now the reality of us not being together is actual pain.

“I once had a recurrent dream where you were an angel and we made love on a cloud outside the gates of heaven. I had not yet proved my worth to enter, so God allowed you to leave to visit me. He understood your love for me so well that he lit the sky perfectly like a big candle and we made love for hours on top of that cloud. Once he summoned for your return, I woke up anxiously waiting to fall back asleep. Each night was the same dream with different scenarios.”

That dream had a drug like effect on my heart and kept me addicted for a long time after you were gone. As fragile as love and life can be, I never looked at our situation in such a short manner. I had no idea that you would be taken away from me so soon, so young and so beautiful. The last words from your mouth were, “I LOVE YOU” and I will never forget them, because you were the only one that has ever actually meant them. You came into my life when I needed you most and you left when I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. My soul appears to be on life support and I am not sure what I am going to do. I just hope that my next dream is one where you bring peace to my heart, so I can once again regain a calmness that you once bestowed on me.

“Our life together seemed to bloom like a Hibiscus flower and fade away just as quickly. You were full of life and love, but you came and went like that beautiful flower that blooms for a day and is gone forever.”

I can never replace what you were and what you stood for, but it is healthy for my soul to do so. I never imagined that I could want to leave this earth to be with you so soon. Life has a funny way of showing you how much it’s in control. When everything appears to be smooth sailing, the sky turns black, the waves get higher and the wind begins to produce a monster hurricane that brings destruction upon your heart. My heart has been shattered into pieces not by disappointment, but by guilt.  The guilt of never really telling you how much I love you while you were here. I took for granted that you would always be around and the moment you wasn’t, my heart began to plunge deep into the ocean of heartbreak.

“The impressive physical strength that I possess only makes me feel weaker when I realize it has nothing to do with the strength of the soul. You can’t bench press your heart and a leg press has nothing to do with your spirit.”

As the evening turns to night, I sit on a balcony looking up at the moon wondering if you are on the cloud that once was occupied by my dreams. I wonder if you are up there looking down on me with a smile of promise. A promise of a better tomorrow and an even happier ending. An ending where my dream of making love on a cloud isn’t a dream after all, but a physical reality. A reality where love is not just a thought out process in which hopeless souls day dream, but where hopeless souls find their true counterpart and live a eternal life of joy, honor and commitment that last forever.

“Whether that day appears soon or years later, I will always keep my heart locked away until the day our souls reconnect. You are the one that completed my journey of love and you were taken away too soon, so I am being stubborn with life and shallow to the point of only wanting you to claim what is rightfully yours.”

Will Harris